


So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

by lizzehboo



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-01
Updated: 2013-04-26
Packaged: 2017-12-09 14:12:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/775117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzehboo/pseuds/lizzehboo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

Chapter One

It started with a car. And not just any car. It started with a 1958 Chevrolet Impala rag top in cherry red, fresh off the line and absolutely stunning. Kendall had been left breathless at the very sight of it in his driveway, all shiny and new in the bright Sunday sun.

“Mom, how did you… how could you…” he stammered, and she chuckled.

“Grandma and Grandpa helped a lot. Consider it a birthday and a graduation present.”

Kendall blinked, trying to convince himself that it was all real. “Yeah, but I haven’t graduated yet.”

“Then consider it motivation,” his little sister, Katie added with her hands on her hips.

“Unreal!” he exclaimed. He ran a hand over the chassi; watched it glide over the surface. He barely suppressed a shudder of delight. The things his fellow classmates would say the next day…

Kendall was not an average “popular” boy at Palmer-Woods High School, but he definitely was popular. Being a star of the football team meant that he got all the perks that the letterman jacket dished out. But he wasn’t pompous. He’d come from rather humble beginnings. His father had passed away in a plane crash years before – he’d been a pilot – and it had just been him and his mother and his little sister for a large amount of his life. He also didn’t allow the letterman jacket to turn him into the cruel, heartless human beings that some of his teammates were. He supposed that came with the meathead mentality. Which was what designated him against the norm – well, that and his name, which was rather unique amongst those his age.

The person he spent the most time with was actually a total nerd. Logan Mitchell had lived next door to him since he was teeny tiny, and Kendall had never allowed their shifts in social status to come between them, even though Logan was constantly tormented for his thick framed glasses, braces, and failure at dressing. Kendall just insisted he looked like Buddy Holly. Logan didn’t think so at all. But he did get to ride in Kendall’s car to school the next day, so Kendall was fairly sure the hot-rod would give him a few more popularity points.

The thing was, a car like that wasn’t just a vehicle. It didn’t just get him from A to B. A car like that brought friends from all sides of the social ladder. He had plenty of friends as it was, but now he would be king of the high school. That meant absolute perks. Maybe even the three Jennifers would cast an eye in his direction (they were the most prudish of prudes and basically enjoyed destroying anyone that came in their path). Even Kendall couldn’t catch them in his hands. Not that he tried very hard.

He really didn’t try very hard at anything. It was the good thing about being a natural. He could shrug his shoulders and let it all come in waves.

Yes, it was quite a benefit, that car. But it’s biggest benefit could also be its greatest problem. Friends.

Sure, Kendall was pretty good with a lot of people at his school, the jocks, the nerds, the prudes, the music club, et cetera. The one group he really wasn’t in tight with was the greasers. And part of that was because they hardly came to class, so there was really no way to get to know them. The other was that they were ruffians, and they weren’t exactly interested in making friends. But a hot-rod like that… well, they’d come crawling from the shadows and from the shop class where the ones that came to school spent most of their time.

Kendall supposed it would be interesting to say the least. It was 1958; maybe he was allowed to befriend them too.

And when he pulled into the parking lot of Palmer-Woods High School the next morning, a god might as well have descended upon the students, for they all stared in awe and amazement at his incredible new ride. Logan looked like he would blast off into the sky, his face turning bright red with admiration for Kendall sharing that moment with him. He thought for a moment his glasses might steam up, like they did on those cartoons that he caught on the television set from time to time.

“Kendall, baby!” Camille, a local girl, called, leaning over the hood. Kendall saw Logan’s eyes trail down her blouse, then back to her face. “This is a screamer! You’re gonna be radioactive!”

Camille was radioactive. Mainly because it was no secret that she was easy.

Kendall always thought she was looking for the right person to settle her down and just hadn’t found him yet. Not that his hands hadn’t grazed over her bra once or twice…

“H-hi, Camille,” Logan stammered.

She smiled, a row of white teeth under bright red lips that matched Kendall’s car. Then she was whirling away in a flash of cinnamon hair.

“You should ask her to a flick,” Kendall suggested.

Logan balked. “N-no! She’s so… so cool, and I’m so… I’m…”

“A goof?” Kendall asked, smirking.

“Get bent.”

Kendall laughed, putting his car in park and hopping over the door instead of opening it. Logan just opened his and stepped out.

“Careful, Mitchell. I’m your hot ticket here.”

“Yeah, I’m sure a guy that looks like me is just going to go shooting up the ranks of popularity. Let me add _Thanks for trying_ on to that.”

Kendall patted Logan’s shoulder and made his way in the school for class.

And by the time he got out, there they were, leering over his car with their slicked hair and their leather jackets. Kendall couldn’t help but admit he was uncomfortable with the fact that they were so close to his brand new ride. He also knew, however, that taking on three greasers would end up with his throat slit. Logan whimpered, shrinking into his book and straightening his glasses.

“Hey look, well if it isn’t Letterman and Fream.”

Logan shrunk further into his book. Kendall glared. “You mind getting away from my ride?”

The greasers stared like he had grown a second head.

“This machine is yours?”

Kendall nodded.

“Interesting.” The other three greasers turned to their leader, who had completely ignored the fact that the car was brand new, and was leaning against its hood, his hip pressed into the headlight. Kendall wondered if he was getting grease all over it. He figured it was somewhat safe considering he lit up a cigarette and didn’t burst into flames.

Kendall had only seen their leader a handful of times, but his reputation preceded him. His name was James Diamond.

“What makes you think you know how to drive a car like this, Letterman?” James rocked off the car and approached slowly, slithering like a snake.

Kendall didn’t back down. Years of taking tackles in football had made his backbone plenty strong, and years of growing up without a father had made him plenty protective.

“What gives you the idea that I can’t, Sparkles?”

“Ohh…” Logan groaned, knowing what could come from their banter.

“Sparkles, eh? You should watch that pretty mouth of yours, Knight. Or do you enjoy knuckle sandwiches?”

“You’re pretty quick to fight. Just don’t dent the car, okay?” Kendall patted him gently on the chest and shoved past, dragging Logan with him. “Later, greaser.”

“Yeah, have fun with the square.”

Kendall rolled his eyes. Jealousy was a powerful thing.

He’d dealt with it on multiple occasions from all sides of the school. It wasn’t like he could help it. He was just a relatively nice guy and people appreciated that – or most of them did anyway. He hated that people were always completely shocked that he gave Logan the time of day too. It was irritating. He was loved and hated for being himself. He supposed it came with the territory. But a few greasers didn’t bother him, especially when he was cruising down the road with the wind in his hair.

“Are you… uh… gonna ask out Josephine?”

“She goes by Jo, Logan.”

“Well, er… just because you have this, y’know, car. I bet she’d really like it.”

Kendall shrugged. Girls were another thing that came with the territory, but he never really actively pursued them. He was often too busy with the big game or his family life to bother. Besides, most of them were only interested in him because of the perks that came from being Kendall Knight’s girlfriend. He didn’t like feeling used. A few were different. Camille – she didn’t mind hopping into a car with anyone. She just enjoyed the company, and didn’t really care if popularity came with it – even though it did. Josephine, or Jo as she liked to be called, was kind, laid back; a good girl. He liked how ambitious she was, going against the grain. But it also made her a bit… emotionally unavailable. Kendall liked her, but he wasn’t sure if they were a match. He hadn’t felt anything really, for anyone. He always figured if he was going to fall for someone, he’d know the spark when it came. It would be special.

He never really thought love was so black and white. It wasn’t about pins and rings and going steady and things like that. He wasn’t into the gimmicks. He just wanted pure passion, pure need, and all the other emotions that came with it. He wanted to go crazy over someone. Flat out, bleeding heart, crazy.  
Logan had been talking that whole time. Kendall blushed and pretended he’d caught all of that.

“…So… do you really think that Camille girl would, y’know, go for me?”

Camille would go for anyone, really. But there was something about Logan that gave Kendall a good feeling about Camille. And maybe he’d loosen up with a girl like that in his life.

“I do.”

“Are you lying?”

“Logie, don’t be so down on yourself.”

“I’m not being down on myself. I’m being realistic.”

“Wow, if that’s realism, we’re all doomed.”

“Well,” Logan started. “The Soviets are…”

Kendall zoned out after that. He didn’t really care to hear Logan’s conspiracy theories. Multiple people around town were always jabbering about the Soviets, and how America was either the greatest country in the entire world, or completely doomed. One of the two. Never anything in between.

Actually, he was pretty damn tired of everything being one or the other.

Maybe the car would bring about the change he needed in his life. Maybe he could start to find the gray area.

Maybe he’d find that spark.  



	2. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

Chapter Two

He wasn’t stupid. Kendall could feel the eyes on him as he made his way through the hallways of Palmer-Woods. He supposed he would have to deal with a little jealousy after showing up with the best car on campus, but James Diamond, he discovered, wasn’t the type of person to just let things go. After a few too many shoulder bumps in the hallway, a few too many frosty glares, Kendall decided he had a problem.

“Are you really that jealous of me?” He confronted James in the shop. He knew it was dangerous. Any one of James’ greasy buddies could be lingering around the corner. But he wasn’t the type to just lay down and take things.

“You know your type isn’t allowed in here after school, right?” James replied absently, bent over the table, fiddling with something.

“I would appreciate if you stop shoving me. You need to leave me alone.”

“Well, someone’s frosty,” James said, turning and leaning on the table, his hands dangling lethargically. His nonchalance clearly meant he wasn’t threatened. Part of that irked Kendall. “I can’t help that you walk in my way all the time. Maybe you should watch where you’re going.”

“I’m not afraid of you, Diamond.”

“I know you’re not,” he said coolly, arching his brows. “I never intended to scare you.”

Kendall eyed him, sensing danger.

“Look, you need to stay away from my ride, okay?”

James pushed Kendall back against the wall with one hand, gripping him by the collar of his Letterman jacket. “Tell me something, Letterman,” he whispered maliciously. “Did your parents get you that car? Grandma and grandpa?”

Kendall swallowed.

“That’s what I thought. Don’t walk around like you’re a badass because you’ve got a nice ride, because our rides? We save up for them and fix them up ourselves. Besides, you don’t even know how to drive it.”

He released Kendall and went back to work on his shop project – which Kendall honestly couldn’t interpret as anything in particular. He supposed someone who missed school as much as James Diamond didn’t exactly learn anything in shop class, even if he spent the rest of his time there.

“What do you mean I don’t know how to drive it? Just because I don’t leave a patch of tire on the street when I drive away?”

“Yes,” James replied as if it was so very simple. “Yes, Letterman. Among other things.”

“Other things? What do you know about—“

James cut him off by breaking into a long bout of laughter. “Are you nutty? If there’s one thing I know about, it’s cars. So stop going around like you’re better than me.”

“I don’t-“

“Get bent, Letterman.”

“I’m not… I don’t have anything against you,” Kendall growled. “I’m not going around putting you down or anything. What exactly is it about me that bothers you?”

James gave a snarl of a laugh, flopping the hammer that was in his hand back down on the counter with a loud clunk. “Everything, Letterman. You are everything around here that bothers me. You go around here like you’re a god, and everyone wants a piece of you, but you can’t just stay where you belong, with all those other meatheads. No, you have to start shoving your way into everyone’s business, just because your folks spent money on you.”

“Maybe I don’t believe in having set places for everyone.”

James rolled his eyes. “If you didn’t believe in that, you wouldn’t walk around in that jacket every day.”  
Kendall was almost amused. “You wear a jacket.”

“Yeah. My jacket says who I hang with. So does yours. If it didn’t matter so much, you wouldn’t wear it. But that-“ he pointed to the large letter over Kendall’s chest. “That defines you. That is what gives you access to the hallways. And it’s fine. But don’t go around acting like it doesn’t matter. It makes you a hypocrite.”

“Oh yeah? Well, why don’t you show me how to drive it then, if you’re such an expert?” Kendall jingled the keys in James’ face. “But if you damage it, you’re paying for the repairs.”

James snorted, yanking them from Kendall’s hand. “Please. I could make them myself. Come on, Letterman. Put up or shut up. If you blame one thing on me being a greaser, you’re a hypocrite. So watch your big mouth.”

Kendall settled into the passenger seat, already holding his breath. Perhaps the second day of owning the thing was a bad time to start making bets. And when James peeled out of the parking lot with a squeal, he knew that they were catching the eye of everyone on campus. Suddenly, they were screaming down the road. Kendall gripped the side of the car, his hair flying out of its neat coif, eyes wide, and heart pounding. He stole a glance at James, slouching and perfectly comfortable with the speed with one hand on the wheel and the other dangling over the door. The collar of his jacket slapped against his neck in the wind. Kendall swallowed a million ugly words, and instead said:

“Where are we going?”

“I’ve got a friend to meet.”

“What, besides your usual set?”

James whirled a corner, nearly turning the car on two wheels. Kendall gritted his teeth. “What? You think you’re the only one who can talk outside your social set?”

“Well, considering you called me a hypocrite…”

“Trust me. None of your type would give this guy the time of day. So do me a favor and stay in the car.”

James pulled the car to a stop by the curb and hopped the door, strutting up to the door of a dilapidated-looking building. Kendall watched as James banged on the front door only for the window above to be slid open.

“Hello Daddio,” came an unfamiliar voice as a head popped out, music pouring out behind him.

He was a bronze-skinned, black-haired, young-looking boy with the darkest eyes Kendall had ever seen, and he was dressed in a polo shirt and sunglasses.

“Hi,” James chimed, looking a little irritated. “Come down here.”

“Who’s that cat?”

“Nobody. Come down here.”

He chuckled. “Nobodies don’t have cars like that.”

Then he disappeared and reappeared at the front door, gliding past James and extending his hand to Kendall.

“Carlos Garcia.” Hispanic. Kendall flushed when he realized he’d actually never met one before. He had paint all over his jeans.

“Kendall Knight.” Kendall shook his hand, feeling uncomfortable.

Carlos grinned a mouthful of teeth, looking wry. “Never met one of me before, huh? I promise we’re not evil.”

“Carlos,” James groaned.

“Don’t have a cow, now,” Carlos cooed, then turned back around to Kendall. “You’ve got quite a ride, Clyde.”

Kendall was a little bewildered at the rhyming, but nodded. “Thank you.”

Carlos made his way back to the stoop where James stood, looking annoyed. James fished in his pocket and slid some money into Carlos’ hand.

“There.”

Carlos laughed. “You should thank me for the loan in the first place.”

James rolled his eyes. “You didn’t really have the money to give, but you insisted.”

“Which is why you should thank me.”

“Those awful poems of yours aren’t worth the money I owed you. I’m gonna blow this popsicle stand.”

“Can’t hang around too long, man. I understand. The fuzz are everywhere. Later, gator.”

James huffed a sigh, making his way down the steps.

“Aren’t you gonna tell me bye?” Carlos chirruped.

James groaned. “Really?”

“Go, Daddio.”

“After a while, crocodile,” James deadpanned.

Carlos laughed and disappeared back into the building.

James jumped in the car and sat for a moment. “For the record, if you speak of that at all, I will make sure this car gets creamed. And then I’ll make sure your face follows.”

That was a valid threat.

James took off again. “I hope you’re watching. This car was built for speed. You shouldn’t just be putting along the streets.”

“Yeah, I’m sure there are way too many pedestrians I’m not hitting,” Kendall replied sarcastically.

They were cruising along the more deserted part of town. Kendall stared out over the area that wasn’t exactly his stomping grounds. “So how’d you meet that guy?”

“Who, Carlos?” James smirked. “In jail.”

Kendall blinked. “Jail?”

“I’ll give you credit, Letterman. You’re actually surprised.” James shook his head. “Vandalism. I keyed this loser’s car.”

“Oh… what’d he do?” Kendall couldn’t stop himself.

“Not important. Carlos was in jail because, well, he’s Mexican.”

“That doesn’t seem like a very good reason,” Kendall murmured. He wasn’t a big fan of the racist mindset of people around town. Josephine had actually brought light to it for him, and he’d been a bit distressed with it all ever since.

“Because it’s not. But I could go right back if it gets around that I talk to him, so keep your mouth shut.”

“Why did you drag me along then?”

“My car’s out of order. I had to get a car. You offered. And I thought he was gonna talk to me inside, but he’s way too friendly for his own good.”

“He’s a bit of a kook.”

“He’s a beatnik. All beatniks are. They read poetry and talk in rhymes and smoke boo, and most of live around that armpit of town. The craziest part is that they’re completely happy with it. I don’t get it.”

“Where do you live?”

“Not anywhere better. But it’s miserable.”

And then they were back at the high school, James sliding into park with ease. “Thanks for the ride.” He hopped the door again and tossed the keys back to Kendall. “Hope you learned somethin’.”

“You’re not much of a teacher,” Kendall replied.

James leaned on the door, lighting a cigarette between his lips. “Maybe you just don’t have it in you. You’re not cool enough to understand.”

“But I’m more than my Letterman jacket.”

James looked almost amused. “Not much. But a little.” He tapped the hood as he made his way around. “Later, Letterman.”

“Later, Sparkles.”  



	3. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

Chapter Three

Kendall was proud of himself. He was also fairly sure he could make friends with anyone with the right effort. James Diamond and he weren’t exactly friends, of course, but they were on much better terms than they had started. He couldn’t help himself. He didn’t like being called a hypocrite. He didn’t really like being called Letterman either, but he dealt with it. He was walking through the halls of his high school with a grin on his face when James shoved him into a locker as he passed.

“Watch where you’re going,” he chided, never breaking his stride.

Kendall was confused. He had let James drive his car. He hadn’t even let Logan do that. (Come to think of it, he fancied Logan would find that awfully offensive. He knew he would have to make that up to him for his conscience later.) He leaned against the locker for a moment and watched James make his way down the hall, the zippers of his jacket jingling slightly against the fabric.

He found James sitting on the hood of his car, his dirty boots dusting up the bumper as the school bell rang.

“Get off.”

“Make me,” James said, lighting a cigarette and taking a few puffs, making sure to blow the smoke in Kendall’s face, making his eyes water.

Kendall fussed, squinting his eyes shut, wrinkling his nose, and waving his hand in front of his nose. “What?”

“Make. Me.”

“Why are you being so difficult?”

“Because it’s fun.”

“Get off my back. I don’t owe you anything. If anything, you owe me.”

“Why? Because you let me cruise in your clunker?” James banged his foot against it for good measure.

“Clunker? Last time I checked, you dug my wheels.”

“Kendall? Um, oh…” Logan stammered, approaching, eying James like some feral beast.

“Hey baby,” Camille greeted. Kendall didn’t even realize she was tailing Logan until she spoke up.

Apparently Logan didn’t either. He jumped.

“Hey Cammie,” James replied. “Do ya mind?”

“Oh, are the men talking?” she groaned, then looked Kendall up and down. “So you’ve decided to mess with him now?”

She stretched up to James’ ear and whispered something Kendall couldn’t hear then sauntered away, giving a flirtatious wave to Logan, who nearly buckled on the spot.

“Get off my car, Sparkles. I’m going home.”

“Nah, I’m comfortable.”

Kendall grabbed James by the collar of his jacket, the leather crunching in his hands, and yanked him off the car. James stumbled a bit on his feet; then whirled, his fist flying. Kendall ducked, and brought his own up to James’ chin. James elbowed Kendall in the back of the head, and Kendall pile-drove him into the ground.

“Ohhh…. Oh, stop it!” Logan yelped. “Stop it, guys! You’re gonna get in trouble!”

Kendall was attempting to pummel James into the pavement, but he was wily, dodging most of his hits with ease. Kendall’s knuckles were already bloody from hitting the ground when James took the lead, rolling him over and reaching in his jacket.

“Kendall! Kendall! He’s got a—“

Kendall saw the flash of the blade glinting in the sunlight right before James pressed it to his throat, one thin line of blood sliding down his neck. Kendall gulped in a breath of air, staring at James with wide eyes. Logan’s words were muddled in his brain for a long pause. All Kendall could hear was his breath and James’ breath, deep huffs from deep in their chests. James seemed to realize his mistake right after that, however, getting to his feet and pocketing his knife.

“Knight, Diamond! My office! Now.”

Oh, that was why.

Mr. Bitters was the principal of the school, and there weren’t many people that cared for him. He was a bitter man, someone who had expected more out of his life than what he got, and he took it out on the students. The rules were already harsh, but he made them almost unbearable. Some had even commented under their breath how much he reminded them of the Nazis – though that was awfully harsh by Kendall’s standards.

But both he and James were sitting in his office, Kendall with his palm pressed up against the red line on his neck and James bouncing his legs apathetically. Bitters sat across from them, his large desk acting as more of a wall between them than anything. He was looking almost impatiently at them, waiting for explanation.

“Can we cut this short, teach? I’ve got things to do,” James snorted.

“You quiet down, Diamond. Why don’t you explain to me what happened, Kendall?”

Kendall inwardly cringed, his eyes darting to James momentarily. He hated that his place on the football team got him special treatment from teachers and principals. It didn’t help with the idea that James had placed in his head – that he might have been strutting around the school thinking he was better than everyone else. He never wanted to give that kind of impression to anyone. And with the way James was scowling at him, Kendall knew that he was. But he held his own.

“I started it,” Kendall said. “I was in a bad mood. He set me off. That’s all.”

“Did he pull a weapon on you, son?” Bitters asked and Kendall fought the urge to cringe again. He definitely hated when people called him son. There was one man that it was reserved for and he was no longer alive. It was like shoving a dagger into his heart every time someone said it.

“No sir,” Kendall lied.

James’ eyes became particularly less scathing, replaced with something Kendall could only describe as surprise.

“You have a cut on your neck,” Bitters argued.

“There was a piece of glass on the ground. Must have been someone’s mirror getting smashed.”

“Do I need to get Mitchell in here to—“

Kendall put on his best smile. “He didn’t see much. I acted out of line. I wouldn’t want to mess up my football games. I promise it won’t happen again.”

Bitters stammered for a minute, not quite sure of what to say, then sighed. Kendall felt disgusting. James’ eyes were blazing into him again.

“F-fine. Make sure of it, Knight. I’ll let you both go… this time.”

When they made their way out, the parking lot was empty.

“You lied.”

“I know. I was there.”

“Why?” He sounded more accusatory than anything.

“Because you could go to jail.”

“Yeah. I attacked you.”

Kendall sighed. “Look.” He turned to James, frustrated. “I don’t know what your problem is with me, and I don’t get it. But I was hoping that maybe if I helped you out of a bind, you’d leave me alone.”

“I don’t need your charity. I can handle myself without you using your future football scholarship to get me out of things.”

“Fine, I won’t help you anymore,” Kendall snapped.

“Good.”

“Good.”

He and James walked further into the parking lot and Kendall hopped into his car, slamming the door a little hard against its frame. James kept walking, whipping out his comb and fixing his hair after their scuffle. Kendall’s knuckles were already itching.

“What happened?”

Kendall’s mother was not pleased with his state when he got home.

Kendall flushed down his neck. “It’s nothing, mom. Just got in a little fight. It won’t happen again.”

“I can’t say I approve of this,” she said, frowning.

“I hope you clocked him,” Katie added from where she was sitting on the floor, watching television – Kendall was fairly sure it was _American Bandstand._

“Katie, shame on you,” his mother scolded, then turned back to Kendall. “What on earth-“

“He… erm… he wouldn’t get off my car.”

She rolled her eyes. “Kendall, try to watch your temper in the future, alright? I don’t want to have to take that car away from you.” She went back to cooking dinner. “Dinner will be ready in thirty minutes. Why don’t you go wash up?”

He did as he was told, knowing she was disappointed in him. As he sat in the hot water of the bath tub, he stared up at the ceiling and wondered what on earth was going on. He had just met James two days ago. Why had he suddenly made Kendall his own personal vendetta? Why did he feel the need to antagonize him with every chance he got?

And Camille…

 _“So you’ve decided to mess with him now?”_ That was what she said. There was something behind that.

He leaned back, his wet arms dangling off the sides of the tub, small rivulets of water dripping off his fingers onto the white tile floor. It had only been two days and that car had made his life horribly complicated. Maybe it would be best if his mother took it away.

But no, because he adored driving it way too much.

And he may have squealed the tires a bit and rocketed around a few corners just to see how it felt.

It felt incredible.

…

Two days passed and Kendall thought James had decided to leave him alone, or maybe moved on to some other poor sap that would receive all his torments. He had washed his vehicle and tried to wash away all the thoughts that came with it.

Really, James hadn’t even showed up for school. Which wasn’t out of the blue. Greasers were notorious for being absent at educational facilities. It was a bit of a relief to have him off his back, honestly. He walked with his shoulders a little less tight.

And yet…

“Camille,” Kendall asked the young lady in study hall, “What did you mean the other day? What did you whisper to him?”

Camille had her feet kicked up on the desk, her skirt slipping a bit over her knees and her soft, creamy calves crossed at the ankles. She was smoking a cigarette while the teacher was out of the room.

“Hm? What are you talking about?”

Kendall frowned, plopping into the desk next to her. “Two days ago. When James was sitting on my car.”

“Oh,” she said, taking a long drag on her smoke. “It didn’t mean anything.”

Kendall drummed his fingers on the surface of the desk, knowing she was lying by the twinkle in her eye. She enjoyed little games, and sometimes they were fun. Other times, they were obnoxious. Kendall wasn’t really in the mood for her to be playing coy.

“Camille,” he stressed. “I ended up with a knife to my throat. How about a hint?”

She put her cigarette out on her desk and blew the ashes onto the floor, then folded her hands. “James is an… interesting person.”

Kendall waited.

“I’ve known him since I was a kid. Didn’t come from good people. His pops walked out on him a long time ago. His mom’s dead. He lives with his uncle, but the guy drinks more than he breathes, so he’s not around much.”

Kendall felt pity threaten to pull at his heart. “What does this have to do with me, exactly?”

“He wants…” Camille paused, looking like she was searching for the right word. “He wants what you have. He finds a person once in a while, gets himself all peed off, and then takes it out on them. He just feels things very… intensely.”

“I’m not trying to make him mad.”

“I know. He knows that too, I’m sure. But it’s more complicated than that…”

“How so?”

“You’d need to talk to him—“

“Silence, please,” rang out Miss Collins’ voice as she clicked into the classroom in her high heeled shoes.

“Study hall is beginning.”

Kendall gritted his teeth and turned around, scribbling in a notebook.

But all he could think about was James.  



	4. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

Chapter Four

When James came back to school it was after a five day absence, and he looked a bit strung out, his hair not quite immaculate, a cigarette hanging from his lips even when teachers would tell him to take it out. Kendall noticed the drawn stares and the lack of physical violence toward him more than anything. He wanted to ask him about the other day, but didn’t really know how to phrase it, so he just went about his business.

After class, he saw James leaning against the brick wall of the gym, fiddling with a match to no luck, cigarette dangling off his bottom lip. Kendall knew he had a box of matches in his pocket.

“Need a light?” Kendall held out the glowing match after a pause and James pressed his cigarette to it, blowing out smoke when it lit up. Kendall shook the match and threw it aside, taking a seat next to him in the dirt.

“Not doing a very good job at getting me to leave you alone, Letterman,” James grunted, slouching over his knees. Kendall saw a fresh rip in the sleeve of his leather jacket.

“Not used to you following the rules.” Kendall looked him up and down. “So what happened to you?”

“None of your business.”

Kendall shrugged. “Bum a smoke?”

“One smoke for your match,” James said, pulling the carton out of his pocket. “They’re a little damp. So were my matches.” He looked at the ground ruefully.

Kendall managed to get one lit and took a few drags off of it, his lungs burning. “Why are they damp?”

James stared out at the people waltzing out of the school, looking so oblivious to everything.

“Got in a fight. Got thrown in a lake.”

“A lake?” Kendall fought the urge to laugh. “How—“

“Guy was giving Carlos a hard time.” James breathed and smoke bloomed from his lips. Kendall tried to make shapes out of it in his mind.

“Where were you? I thought you didn’t like being seen with him.”

James scowled. “That’s not it at all. I don’t care if anyone sees me with him on my account. But on his. If someone sees me with him and that makes them angry, and they hurt him…” James breathed, then got back to the subject at hand. “He called me on a pay phone and said some guys were at the coffee shop giving him a hard time. He needed a ride. I took my uncle’s truck. They followed us out of the city. Things got rough. I got pushed in a lake. One of ‘em even tried to hold my head under water, but Carlos jumped him. He had a heater – scared ‘em off.”

Kendall felt his heart hammer against his ribs. Carlos had a gun? He imagined it took a lot to get a smooth guy like him to brandish it, but it was still alarming news.

“That’s where you’ve been this week?”

James gave a bitter laugh. “This week? It doesn’t take a week to get roughed up. That was just last night.”

“And the rest of the week?”

James shrugged his shoulders. “Didn’t feel like coming. Some of us have to walk all the way here, y’know.”

“You could take the bus,” Kendall suggested.

“The bus doesn’t come to my neck of the woods. And I wouldn’t ride it if it did.”

“Why?”

James rolled his eyes like it was obvious. “Because if they’re not going to let someone like Carlos on, why should I ride it?”

Kendall crossed his arms across his chest, uncomfortable with the conversation. It wasn’t like he hadn’t heard of the bus protests, of Rosa Parks and the riots that were happening in big cities. Ever since 1955, boycotts had been popping up all over the place, mostly in a more personal fashion than the highly organized ones that littered the front pages of newspapers. Kendall lived in a relatively small town that managed to stay forgotten about most of the time.

“So I guess you really like this Carlos guy, hm?”

“He’s the only one I can count on in a sticky situation,” James said, tossing aside the butt of his cigarette and popping another almost immediately. Kendall could tell he was still shaken up from the night before.

“What about your greaser buddies?”

James shrugged a shoulder. “They’re fine. But if they heard that I was talking to Carlos… if they really knew who I hung with, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Then why do you hang with them?”

“Better than being alone, I guess.”

Kendall remembered the little facts Camille had said about James, and his heart started to hurt. He sighed, realizing he hadn’t smoked anymore of his cigarette and it had burned down to ash. He tossed it aside almost bitterly, regretting that he’d wasted a perfectly good smoke (though, given, yes, the cigarettes were a little damp).

“This isn’t so bad,” he said after a pause. James looked at him, confused, so Kendall elaborated. “Sitting here. Not fighting with you.”

“Don’t you have football practice?”

Kendall shook his head. “Saturdays. We go all day.”

“Fun,” James replied, his voice heavy with sarcasm.

“Oh, I meant to ask,” Kendall said, “Camille said… a while back, that you had decided to mess with me? Openly decided. Why is that?”

“I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“Don’t get defensive. I’m just curious.”

“I already told you why I don’t like you.”

“You have to like me a little bit,” Kendall chided with a smirk. “You wouldn’t have sat here this long otherwise.”

“You’d be amazed at what I can tolerate.”

“Okay, okay, fine,” Kendall said, his voice light with a plan he had formed. “I guess you don’t want to go for a drive.” He tossed his keys in the air and caught them for good measure.

James perked up, just slightly. He had gotten his attention.

“I have to admit,” Kendall said, staring admiringly at his car keys. “The way you drive… it’s actually pretty fun.”

James yanked the keys from his palm before Kendall had a chance to stop him. “You don’t know the half of it. Come on.”

They spent the rest of the afternoon cruising rural roads, putting a little dirt on the tires and enjoying the air blowing through their hair and filling their lungs. Kendall knew that he and James were a strange pair, but he was a man that took care of others, and it looked like James really needed a good drive, so he thought that he might as well help him out.

“So, what happened to your folks? I’ve never seen them around campus.” Kendall knew, but he didn’t know if Camille would get in trouble for telling him that. So he wanted James to tell him.

“You hardly see me.” After a pause, James said, “It’s no secret. Mom’s dead. Dad took off. Yours?”

“My dad died in an accident. It’s just me and my mom and my sister most of the time.”

“It’s awful isn’t it? All these kids take advantage of their folks all the time. None of ‘em know what it’s like to not have one.”

James pulled the car to a stop at the top of a hill, looking over the small city they lived in, glistening in the orange-red glow of the sunset. “I can agree with you there.”

“I hate this town. I want to get out of here.”

“Where would you go? Y’know, if you could.” Kendall cringed, aware of how condescending that might have come off.

“California, probably.”

Kendall was genuinely surprised. “Why there?”

“You know Elvis Presley right?”

“Of course.”

“I want to be the next Elvis Presley.”

Kendall stared. “Really?”

James snorted. “The air of surprise…” he mused. “I sang a lot when I was little. Mom always liked it. Elvis… he’s right up my alley. The hair, the voice, the hip-thing. He’s a star. He does movies and music and everything.”

“Well?” Kendall said after a long moment.

“What?”

“Sing me something.”

“No.”

“You can’t be a star if you don’t sing for people. I want to hear this Elvis Presley voice of yours.”

“I don’t sound like Elvis…”

“I can be the judge of that.”

James huffed. “You don’t let up, do you?”

“I’ve been known to be stubborn.”

“…Fine. But if you laugh, I will knock all of your teeth out.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

James broke into an a capella rendition of “Mean Woman Blues” and Kendall was legitimately surprised. His voice was smooth and strong, and washed over Kendall like warm water. And the beat was dead on, even without a drum keeping it. It was like the rhythm was birthed into him.

But what was most enchanting about it was that even though the song was simple, there was a look in his eye that Kendall had never witnessed in the short time he had known James. It was pure, unadulterated, happiness. He gripped the steering wheel and belted song from his gut like it took everything he had in him. And by the end of the chorus, Kendall was well blown away.

“Wow,” he said. “That was… incredible.” James started to snort, but Kendall pushed, “I mean it.”

There was a look of uncertainty on James’ face. “Truth?”

“Mmhmm.”

James huffed a sigh, watching the sun as it dipped lower in the sky, filling the earth with hues of reds and violets.

“I guess… I guess I should thank you. I actually feel a lot better, Letterman.”

“You are aware that my name is Kendall, right?”

James smiled. Not smirked. Smiled. Kendall was amazed at how beautiful it was. “I like Letterman better.” After a moment, the smile faded and Kendall swore he could see some redness in his cheeks. “We should probably head back.”

The car ride back was oddly silent, and Kendall wondered if he had done something wrong. It didn’t feel awkward, but it didn’t feel comfortable, either. Like something was supposed to happen that he couldn’t understand. He also couldn’t stop the thought that he didn’t feel like leaving. James Diamond wasn’t as dangerous as he seemed.

“James?” Kendall asked, and his name already felt a bit foreign on his tongue. “Why did you knife me?”

James kept his eyes on the road. “Force of habit. I didn’t mean to. Swear.”

“Force of habit? You do that often?”

“You don’t live where I live. You don’t hang with who I hang with.”

“Camille did say you felt things… intensely,” Kendall tried as they slid into the high school parking lot. It was dark out by the time they got there.

“Oh, she said that, huh?” James asked, looking intrigued in the glow of the headlights. “What else did she tell you?”

“Not much, if that’s what you’re worried about. Why? What did you think she told me?”

“Nothin’ if she knows better.” James shook his head. “The skirt knows way too much about me.”

“How much do you know about her?”

“A lot.”

“Have you been with her?”

“No.”

Well, that was impressive. Then again, Camille’s reputation might have been a bit over-exaggerated.

“She’s… like a sister to me,” James tacked on at the look of Kendall’s surprise. “I don’t fool around with a lot of girls.”

“Why?”

“You writing a book?” James snapped. “I just don’t.”

Kendall chewed his lip. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to pry.”

“I don’t like to talk about it, is all.” James hunched his shoulders, lighting another cigarette. He was clearly very uncomfortable.

“Why? You some sort of freak or something?”

James stared, a bit hollow-eyed. Kendall swallowed, realizing his joke had fallen flat. James hopped the door and smoothed a hand over it quietly for a moment, poignant, thinking.

“You’re alright, Letterman. Don’t worry so much.”

“You’re not gonna mess with me anymore?”

James smiled again, circling the car to ruffle his hand in Kendall’s hair, a bit rough. “Didn’t say that. See ya.”

Kendall scooted over into the driver’s seat. He honked the horn. “Hey, James?”

“Hm?” He could tell he turned by the little ember glowing in the night.

“If you need a ride… you know… if something goes down…. Let me know. I’ll help you.”

James looked a bit bothered by the idea, but he nodded. “Uh… thanks… Kendall.”

Kendall put the car in drive and stopped right next to James. “You know? I kind of like Letterman too.”

He got home late, lying and saying he was doing homework with Logan. His mother bought it, mainly because Kendall didn’t lie very often. He thought that maybe James was starting to be a bad influence on him, but he shrugged it off.

When he lay in bed, he thought of James and his singing voice, the way it had rung through the sky, like maybe he could be heard by the entire city if he tried hard enough. He heard all his want, passion, bellowing in his chest like it was hurting to escape, like to took everything he had to contain it on a day to day basis. He had seen something _different_ in that greaser, something _real._ That was to be admired to say the least.

He also thought of how he must have been living. The greasers weren’t the friendliest bunch at school, and it was becoming clearer to Kendall that James might not have completely fit in with their set. But _it beat being alone,_ as he had said.

He wondered if he’d done the same thing. When he really thought about it, there were a lot of people in his life, but only a select few he could count on. His mom, Katie, his grandparents, Logan. All the others were just… there, little instances that would be in and out of his life as he went through school. Some might have been a little closer, like Camille, and dare he think Josephine, but none outside of those five had really stepped up to do anything for him. None of them understood what it was like for him, living without a father.

He supposed James could understand, not having either.

Kendall had spent a lot of time walking around in rose-colored sunglasses, blissfully unaware of the sadness in the world around him, the injustice. He didn’t like the feelings it arose in him, and he had tried to ignore them for a long time. But after talking to James at length it just seemed… selfish.

James’ voice lingered in his mind as he drifted off to sleep.

“Good morning,” Logan greeted, taking a seat in Kendall’s car.

“Logan, what do you think about the Civil Rights movement?”

Logan stammered a little, laughing at the suddenness of the question. “What?”

“The Civil Rights movement. What do you think of it?”

“Have you been talking to Josephine?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Gee, Kendall… I… I don’t know. It just…” Logan sighed, straightening his glasses as the car glided down the road. “It just seems so far away. I haven’t really taken the time to think about it.”

“Oh…”

“Why?”

Kendall shrugged. “No reason.”

“Has that greaser left you alone?”

“Well, um… we talked… and we’re on better terms.”

“Anything’s better terms than him putting a knife to your neck, Kendall. Be careful.”

“Hey, I’m careful. I’m always careful.”

Logan looked at him dubiously.

“Okay, maybe not always.”

“More like never.”

Kendall smiled in spite of it. Careful wasn’t exactly his middle name, but life wouldn’t be exciting any other way. And frankly, he was itching for a little more excitement.  



	5. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

  
Chapter Five

Josephine straightened her glasses on her nose, chewing on the end of her pen. Kendall hesitated in the doorway, watching her as she scribbled in a notebook what looked to be a speech of some kind. She was in the library, which was much more Logan’s stomping grounds than Kendall’s, but he’d gone searching for her. He couldn’t make the steps over to her, however, because one of his teammates had gotten there first.

“Hello there, Josephine.” Jett Stetson was the typical jock of the school – all looks and muscles, and no brains. Kendall couldn’t stand him.

Though, really, Jo didn’t care much for him either. He could tell by the way she cut her eyes at him when he interrupted her. Jett was leaning over the table, leering at her lecherously, his eyes casting down her blouse just long enough that she was uncomfortable.

“I’m a little busy, Jett. Do you mind?” Most women didn’t talk to Jett Stetson like that. Kendall had a feeling that was why he liked her so much.

“I don’t mind anything,” he said, and he clearly didn’t understand his own words. Kendall rolled his eyes, sneaking behind a bookshelf and watching silently.

“No, of course you don’t,” Jo sighed. “What can I do for you, Jett?”

“You can go to the drive in with me Friday night.”

“I think I’m washing my hair that night…”

“Oh, come on, baby,” Jett said, flopping down on the table, crunching her papers under his slacks. “I’ll take you to see somethin’ nice. Like _South Pacific._ ”

“I don’t like musicals.”

“How about _Vertigo_?”

“I don’t like movies, Jett.”

“That’s fine, baby. We don’t have to watch it.” His hand crept up her arm and she shied away from it, glaring daggers at him.

“Jett, I don’t think you understand rejection.”

“That’s because I’m never rejected.”

Kendall crossed his arms, done with the conversation and deciding to play savior.

“Hey there, Jo,” Kendall greeted, a bit too cheerfully, slipping out from behind the shelves. “Oh, hello Jett. Didn’t see you there.” Well, that was a lie. “But I’m glad you’re here. Did you leave your pads out in the locker room again? Coach is gonna pull you off the next game if he sees them.”

Kendall was bluffing, but he also knew Jett’s habits of leaving things around the locker room for others to pick up. And when the blood ran out of Jett’s face, he knew he’d hit it right on the nose. Jett made his escape, papers flying everywhere from him slipping off the desk.  
Kendall knelt and helped Jo with the mess he left.

“Thanks,” she said, giving him a genuine smile that was pretty and kind.

“It’s no problem. I get a good rise out of tormenting Jett.”

“He doesn’t know how to take no for an answer.”

“He doesn’t know how to do lots of things. One of them is playing football.” Kendall chuckled and handed her the rest of her notes, grinning.

She laughed too, tucking a piece of blonde hair behind her ear. “So what brings all the meatheads to the library today? Important paper?”

“Actually,” Kendall started, his voice dropping in volume. “I wanted to talk to you about… civil rights.”

Jo lit up like a firework. “Oh really?”

“Mmhmm.” Kendall led her into the shelves, where they could chat without disturbances of eavesdroppers. “I have a friend who has a friend who’s Mexican.”

Jo nodded. “Yes, they’re treated like second-class citizens. Even if they were born here. Anyone who isn’t white is treated like they don’t belong, and it’s just not American to think that way.”

Kendall swallowed, realizing she was already going off on tangents. “Y-yes, you’re right. But listen. My friend got roughed up the other night because he was seen with this Mexican kid. I’m…” Kendall tried to phrase his words, not sure of what he really wanted to say to her after he’d finally gotten to. “I’m worried about if it happens again. He… he had a gun.”

Jo pursed her lips, leaning against a shelf. “That’s not good. If he gets caught with that, the authorities can take it and run with it. Our justice system is very out of order, especially with racial issues. You need to get that gun away from him.”

“But what if he needs it? What if he gets attacked?”

“Well, who’s your friend? Is there any chance you two can assist him?”

Kendall scratched at his neck. “It’s… complicated.”

“If you’re going to do anything, do _not_ let him get caught with that gun. Understand?”

Kendall nodded, turning to make his exit.

“Oh, um… Kendall?”

He turned to her. “Hm?”

“What are you doing Saturday night?”

“Um… I don’t know,” Kendall said honestly. “I’ll get back to you.”

She smiled. “I look forward to it.”

…

Kendall frowned, sitting quietly in his car, gazing at the campus as it emptied for the day. Josephine, the fiery, pretty, popular girl, had basically asked him on a date. And he hadn’t refused her. But he hadn’t agreed. A boy like Jett would not have passed up the opportunity. Many young men would be chomping at the bit to get her if she wasn’t so… _progressive_ was a nice word. But he didn’t feel a spark for her. He did think she was pretty and interesting, but…. He didn’t know. He figured he was just an odd duck. He had sought her out only for her assistance, not for anything else.

“You lost?”

Kendall jumped out of his thoughts to see James, standing by his car, his hands in his pockets.

“What?” he asked.

“I asked if you were lost. You looked pretty lost.”

“Get in.”

They went cruising again. Kendall needed to talk to James about what Jo had said.

“I talked to Josephine Taylor today.”

“That activist skirt?”

“That’s the one.”

“I like her,” James mused. “She’s tough.”

“She is. But listen. I mentioned… what happened to you and Carlos…”

“You weren’t supposed to talk about that. I hope you know.”

“She’s safe. She’s on our side. She said we have to get that gun from Carlos.”

“Why?”

“Because if he gets caught with it-“

“I know. They’ll hang him… figuratively.” James leaned back in the seat, playing with a fray on his t-shirt. “But he’s not much of a fighter. He could get hurt without it.”

“My friend’s studying medicine. He could help if he gets any minor cuts or bruises.… But the serious stuff… you’ll just have to protect him.”

“You’re asking a lot of me.”

“I can help. I just know that you care a lot about that kid, and it would be really horrible if something happened to him. He seems like he’s really nice, really cool.”

“He is. Loyal to the end.”

“Then make sure you get it away from him. The justice system isn’t going to be on his side if he gets caught with it.”

They were back in that place from the night before, looking out over the city with dark eyes that were starting to see the world for what it was.

“I’ll see what I can do. Thanks for the warning, at least.”

“That means you might have to stay out of trouble for a bit too, y’know.” Then, after a pause. “Hey, James?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you mess up that guy’s car? Really. The one that put you in jail?”

James leaned on his hand, frowning. “I’m out of cigarettes.”

“I might have some in the glovebox-“ Kendall reached for it only for James to grab his wrist, clasping his long fingers around it, hot against his pulse.

“Do you like that Josephine girl?”

“Hm? Yeah, I like her.”

“Not like that. I mean, do you _like_ her? Going steady _like_.”

Kendall made a face at James. “Wh-what? No…”

“Why not?”

“Because… I don’t know. I just… don’t. I haven’t found the person that does things to me. I guess I’m just… the odd one out. Why?”

“That guy’s car I creamed?”

“Yeah…”

“I did it because… because he broke my heart.”

Kendall stared, his heart hammering against his ribs, because certainly James hadn’t said what he thought he had said. His grip tightened on Kendall’s wrist.

“I picked him out, you know? I really dug him. I guess I lost control.”

Kendall vaguely recalled Camille saying James felt things _intensely,_ and he had a strange feeling he knew where things were going. Why he didn’t stop it was beyond him at that point.

“James, it’s only been two weeks or so—“

James grasped the back of Kendall’s neck with his other hand and pulled him in tight, pushing his lips against the other boy’s. Kendall gasped, eyes wide, unable to move. Something like electricity was welling in his gut, sliding through his veins and out his fingertips. It held him there when the thought flitted through his mind that he should pull away, pushed him closer when the thought got louder, and then his tongue was sliding against James’ with an ease he never knew, his back curving as he sought more contact. James relinquished his wrist, only to wrap an arm around his waist, and things went back and forth until they absolutely could not survive on each other’s oxygen any longer. They broke apart, gasping for breath. Kendall felt like he’d been drowning. But he also felt like he’d been flying at the same time.

As he stared, glassy-eyed, at James, something in him whispered that he had just done something very wrong.

“W-well…” Kendall started a sentence only to have absolutely no idea how to finish it. He let the word die into silence. He supposed _Well done_ would have been a choice. Not a good one, but a choice.

“I’m sorry,” James said after a long, horrible few minutes. “That… shouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s fine,” Kendall said, and he thought the words were awfully simple considering the hurricane going on in his mind.

“You can take me back to the high school.”

Kendall wasn’t sure he could drive. His hands were trembling hard against the vinyl seat, a bruise purpling his wrist.

He couldn’t process it.

So he did what James said and dropped him off in the parking lot without another word.

When he lay in bed that night, he licked the taste of James off his lips, closed his eyes and relived it, trying to make sense of it all.

What he couldn’t figure out was why he had kissed back.

…

“You’re gay.”

James glanced up from the book he was obviously pretending to read.

“You’re good at finding people.”

He had been hiding out on the elementary school playground in the middle of classes. Kendall had caught a glimpse of him making his escape from one of the cafeteria windows.

“You’re just easier to find than you think. Also, you’re gay.”

James moved slowly on the swing he was sitting on, staring at the ground. “Yes. I am pretty sure that was made clear.” His cheeks flushed red.

“How long have you known?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Since I started being attracted to men? When do you think?” James snapped.

Kendall understood why he was angry. He was embarrassed.

“We should… talk about this.”

“No,” James said. “We don’t have anything to talk about, Letterman.” He stood. “What happened last night was a mistake.”

Kendall swallowed. He wasn’t so sure, but he couldn’t get himself to say anything other than, “Well… okay then…”

So Kendall accepted Jo’s date invitation, but he couldn’t stop the feeling of dread in his gut as he did so.  
Camille was having a party at her house on Saturday night. Her parents were away, and they weren’t exactly conservative anyway, so it was bound to be a wildly good time with music and dancing and, knowing Camille, even a little alcohol from her parent’s liquor cabinet. Even though Jo was a good girl, she still didn’t mind getting in a little trouble once in a while.

She had her arm in his when they got there, smiling pretty as they made their entrance.

“You look nervous,” she said.

“No, no, of course not.” Kendall laughed a little, because, yes, he was. Mainly because of the elephant in the room that only he knew about. Mainly because that even with her pretty eyes on him, he couldn’t stop thinking about James and their… mistake. That was what he called it. A mistake.

“I’m really glad that you’re into civil rights, Kendall,” she said. “What brought it on, anyway?”

Kendall shrugged. “Oh… I don’t know. I guess I just opened my eyes to it.”

She smiled. “That’s very admirable, Kendall.”

“Th-thanks.” Kendall felt out of line, knowing that he couldn’t pinpoint the reason why he wanted to help Carlos at that point. He’d only met him once. Then again, he wasn’t sure about anything at the moment.  
They spent most of the party chatting with classmates, drinking a little, and dancing. Jo could do a hell of a twist. Kendall was mostly just awkward. He was never much of a dancer, but his mind was elsewhere too. Logan had stammered a few things to Camille and had gotten a kiss on the cheek before she disappeared into the crowd to make sure her guests were satisfied. Anything was an improvement on Logan’s front, and he was on cloud nine. Then he saw Camille slip from out of the kitchen, pale-faced and serious – which wasn’t at all like her.

“Kendall, telephone for you.”

Kendall furrowed his brows. “What?”

“You can take it in the kitchen.”

Kendall pushed the receiver up to his ear. “Um… hello?”

“H-hey, you’re Kendall Knight, right?”

Kendall made a face. “…Carlos?”

There was panic in his voice, and he kept murmuring in Spanish. “Y-yeah. That’s me. James said you might be here.”

Kendall couldn’t push down the cold fear threatening his gut. “Carlos… where _is_ James?”  



	6. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

Chapter Six

Jo made a face.

“Look, I’m… I’m really sorry,” Kendall stammered, because, yes, he was. Ditching a girl at a party wasn’t exactly the gentlemanly thing to do.

“What’s going on?” Camille asked.

Kendall lingered on the idea of telling them before deciding it was a bad idea. “Just… er… Logan and I have to leave now.”

Logan, who had spent the past few minutes of the conversation ogling Camille was suddenly reeled back in.

“What? Why? Where am I going?”

But before he could really argue, Kendall was dragging him out the door. Logan wrenched at the hand on his wrist, Kendall trying to keep his breath even as he wriggled with the keys in his pocket.

“What’s going on, Kendall? Kendall--- _KENDALL._ ” Logan yanked his wrist free with finality. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me where we’re going and why… why you took me away from the only girl who’s ever paid me any attention.”

Kendall huffed, feeling a little lightheaded at what he was about to say. “Someone needs help.”

…

Carlos’ neighborhood looked even more rundown at night, but Kendall was able to remember which building was his, much to his own surprise. Logan was as nervous as a cat, his shoulders hunched and eyes shifting.

“Kendall, where are we? This… this seems like a really bad neighborhood.”

“Just come on,” Kendall grunted, forcing Logan out of the car and up the steps.

Kendall knocked – more like banged – on the door, and waited, his heart racing. Then Carlos’ head popped out from the window above.

“You’re here!” he cried out, and he looked forlorn and terrified.

He heard a racket as Carlos stumbled down the stairs and let them in.

Logan was shocked. “Kendall… Kendall, is he--- is he?”

Kendall glared Logan down. “Not now.”

They were shuffled into the dingy apartment complex by Carlos and what Kendall supposed was a relative who didn’t speak English, but kept answering to the name Selana. They were out of their element, definitely.

“Where’s James?” Kendall finally breathed.

“James? The _greaser_? That’s who we’re here for?” Logan was already strung out. Kendall wasn’t looking forward to how he would react to what they would see next.

“He’s in here,” Carlos said, dragging them down the hall next to the stairs, a narrow passageway that was littered with scuff marks and probably mold.

Kendall noticed two things about Carlos. He wasn’t using his beatnik persona in his moment of panic, and he had blood on the front of his shirt. He pushed open a door that screeched against the wood of the floor, and Kendall and Logan came tumbling into a bedroom. Immediately, Kendall could hear James, his breath haggard, littered with little whimpers and groans.

“Carlos, mi hijo, did you get him some help? Oh…”

“Sylvia,” Selana spoke. “Vaminos. Carlos llevó ayuda.”

They communicated in Spanish a bit more, and Kendall had no clue what they were saying. But he didn’t care, because he could see James’ crumpled form on the bed, laid across towels on the bare mattress, hunched and moaning.

“James,” Kendall gasped, rushing to him to survey the damage, as much as he didn’t want to.

The leg of James’ jeans was painted brown-red in his blood, and he was clutching to a spot on his right thigh, his teeth grinding in a wince.

“Carlos, what happened?” Kendall asked, gesturing for Logan to come further in, though he was still hesitant.

“Those guys from a while back. They chased us. They had a gun this time…” Carlos started to tear up. “James came to tell me to get rid of mine… that it was… was… dangerous.”

“Logan, get in here. He needs help.” Kendall’s voice cracked too as he looked down at the withered form of James, who seemed to be in too much pain to even realize he was there, his face pallid and clammy.

“Was he shot?” Logan squeaked, shuffling over, still eying Carlos like he was some ferocious beast that he’d never seen before.

Carlos nodded at him a little shakily. “We… we couldn’t take him to the hospital… they wouldn’t see him if we brought him in…” Carlos bowed his head, his voice shaky. “He couldn’t walk. We didn’t know what else to do. He--- he said you could help.”

Kendall looked at Logan desperately, begging him without words. Logan’s brow wrinkled with the dilemma before he finally said:

“I need some supplies.”

“What do you need? I’ll get you whatever you need.”

Logan took a shuddering breath. “I need… something to use as antiseptic, and something to dig the bullet out. And something to calm him down. And bandages. I need bandages.”

“P—pocket knife,” James moaned, his hand fumbling around the pocket of his jacket before the knife tumbled from his hand onto the floor with a loud thud.

“I have some whiskey,” Carlos said. “We have a bottle of it in the kitchen.”

“Go get it,” Logan said, pulling off his sweater and rolling up his sleeves. “I need to wash my hands. Kendall, take off his jeans.”

Kendall felt a flush threaten to creep across his face. “What?”

“Take off his pants, Kendall, and elevate his legs. I need to see the wound. Where’s your bathroom?” He looked at Carlos.

“This way.”

The two rushed out of the room.

Kendall took a second to compose himself, then knelt by the bed. “I gotta take off your jeans, okay? Try to relax.”

“Easy for you to say,” James wheezed.

“Not really,” Kendall sighed, popping the button and pulling the fly down, trying to keep the blood from rushing to his cheeks.

For a moment, everything was oddly intimate, but it died quickly as Kendall pulled the denim down his thighs and James wailed, his back arching.

“ _AHHH! STOP. Please, GOD, STOP._ ” Tears dotted his eyes, his chest heaving.

“I’m sorry.” Kendall swallowed. “Almost…”

He managed to slide them past James’ thighs and down his knees, but nearly bit through his lip at the pained noises James was making.

“I’m so sorry,” he said again, softly, yanking off James’ boots to remove the jeans completely.

James’ boxers were stained red too. Kendall grabbed a few pillows and pushed them under James’ feet, lifting his legs like Logan had asked.

“This… this wasn’t supposed… to… happen,” James choked out.

“Just try to calm down,” Kendall said, though he really didn’t know what to do, and he wasn’t exactly calm himself.

James brought a shaky hand to his forehead, looking forlorn. “I’ve messed up everything. Oh, God.”

“No, no. You came to help, James. You came to help.”

James grasped at Kendall’s hand, squeezing it, looking to him for support. “No. I messed up. I messed up.”

Logan and Carlos broke through the door then, their arms stocked and ready to go. Logan shoved a bottle of whiskey into James’ hand. “Drink. But not all of it.”

James sipped on it, sputtering a little as it burned down his throat, pushing it back into Logan’s hand. “No more. I’ll barf.”

“That’s your prerogative. But this is going to hurt a lot.” Logan looked bothered as he poured the whiskey over James’ wound, cleaning it with a washcloth. “Ugh… this is… this is probably the worst way to do this, but…”

“Just do it,” James hissed, still gripping Kendall’s hand.

Logan soaked the pocket knife in whiskey and the proceeded to dig the bullet out of James’ leg.

James screamed. Carlos held him down. It seemed like eternities passed before Logan was wrapping the wound with a tourniquet.

“We still need to get him to a hospital, Kendall. He needs medical attention. We can tell them we were… hunting… or something.”

James was trembling hard against Kendall, his breath shallow and his eyes rolling.

“James?” Kendall leaned down, halfway cradling him. “We need to take you to the hospital now, okay? James?”

James’ head lolled into Kendall’s neck, his hand still shaking against his shoulder.

“He’s in shock,” Logan explained. “From the pain. We need to go.”

Kendall and Logan headed for the door, Kendall holding James in his arms as he shuddered against him.

“Uh, Kendall?”

Kendall turned to Carlos, covered in blood, eyes wet and full of worry. “Yeah?”

“Please… let me know how he is.”

“He’ll… he’ll be fine.”

…

The waiting room to the ER was pretty quiet for a Saturday night. Kendall and Logan were curled up in a corner. The doctors had believed their lie. Logan had told them that they were digging in his James’ dad’s closet and the gun had fallen and gone off. It was a bit of a stretch, but they didn’t ask any questions, especially when Kendall slid a fifty dollar bill in their pocket (and so went his allowance for the past six months or so).

“Can you explain to me what’s going on?” Logan finally piped up, clearly upset. “The greaser… the Mexican… why don’t you start talking?”

Kendall was exhausted, and a bit dizzy, leaning his head against the wall.

“It’s… complicated, Logan.”

“I’m your best friend. And I just… I just dug a _bullet_ out of that kid’s leg. So you need to talk to me now.”

Kendall sighed. “James and I are friends. Carlos is a close friend of his, and some guys have been giving him a hard time. He brandished a gun at them last time, so they came back with one and got James…. Jo told me to make sure Carlos didn’t have his gun. I don’t know.”

“Jo knows about this?”

Kendall shrugged a shoulder. “Vaguely. I needed her advice. I just… I can’t think it’s right how people like Carlos are treated.”

“What else is going on?”

“What do you mean?”

Logan folded his hands. “Kendall, people don’t suddenly start fighting for rights unless they feel a personal connection to them. What’s your connection?”

“Honestly? I have no clue. I wish I did.”

“Kendall, you need to figure that out.”

“I know. I know.”

…

“I could just go home,” James said softly, his arm slung over Kendall’s shoulder as he limped through the door.

“My mom and my sister are at Grandma and Grandpa’s for the weekend. You need someone to take care of you. You’re staying.”

Kendall lowered James to his bed. “I’ll get you some clothes.”

Kendall turned to his dresser and began rifling through it, knowing James would be picky about what he offered.

“Kendall…”

“What?”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you help me?”

Kendall turned to James and made a face. “Because… you… asked.” It seemed so simple.

James almost looked disappointed. “Too noble…”

“Yeah, nobility tends to be a horrible fault in my family tree,” Kendall joked, yanking a t-shirt, boxer shorts, and jeans out of the drawer. “But I told you I would help you if you needed it. I’m pretty sure you did.”

James leaned back against Kendall’s pillows, his eyes playing on the room – anything but Kendall. “Lots of trophies…”

That was true. Kendall had participated in numerous athletic competitions when he was younger. Then James casted his eyes upon a model plane, hanging from the ceiling in the corner.

“Model plane?”

Kendall felt his shoulders slump a little. “My dad and I made it.”

“That’s nice…” James sighed. “What happened to him?”

“He died. He flew planes.”

“Yeah, yeah, I think I heard of that…. It’s awful isn’t it? You never really get over it.”  
Kendall shook his head, his heart aching. “No… no, you really don’t.”

“Here. Sit up. Let me get you out of those dirty clothes.” Dirty was an understatement. The leg of James’ jeans was stiff with his dried blood, and the hem of his shirt stained as well. James lifted his arms slowly, letting Kendall pull the t-shirt over his head.

“Where’s my jacket?” he asked.

“It’s in my car. I’ll get it in a little bit. Jeans.” Kendall popped the button on James’ fly again and slid them down. James merely let out a slight whimper then, and it was a welcome change from his wailing (not that Kendall could blame him).

Kendall handed him the clean pair of boxer shorts and then promptly turned around.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m not watching you change your shorts. You can lift your leg enough to do that on your own.”  
James made an irritated sound, then proceeded to change, the sound of rustling in Kendall’s ears. When Kendall turned back around, James was yanking the t-shirt over his head and pushing the jeans aside.

“No jeans?”

James looked embarrassed. “They’ll hurt…”

Kendall nodded in understanding. “It’s okay. We can try again later.” He grabbed the jeans off the bed and tossed James’ dirty clothes in the hamper (not that he planned on washing them), then flopped down on the mattress next to him. “I should call Carlos and let him know you’re okay.”

But he was tired. And now that he was on his bed, getting up seemed awfully exhausting.

“I called him from the hospital payphone, when you and the square were pulling the car around.”

“That _square_ saved your life.”

“Doesn’t make him less of a square.” James’ voice lacked conviction, so Kendall let the comments go.

“Do you really think what happened… was a mistake?” Kendall couldn’t stop himself from asking.

James huffed out a breath. “You want me to say no, right?”

Kendall didn’t know what he wanted him to say. “Tell the truth.”

“…I guess I’d… I’d do it again, if I had a choice,” James coughed, his cheeks flushing red. “You’re a pretty good kisser.”

“Well, thank you…” Kendall grimaced, feeling awkward. “I guess.”

“It… it wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“But it did.”

“I know. I know. But… if you want to forget about it, we can just… we can forget about it.”

“I don’t know.”

James turned his head to Kendall, confusion on his features. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I don’t know if I want to or not.”

James’ hand crept closer to Kendall’s. He could feel the warmth of the skin brushing over his knuckles. “School’s back tomorrow.”

“Mom is too.”

“I guess that means that if you want to make a decision, you best make it now.” James’ fingers slid over Kendall’s palm.

Kendall rolled on his side, staring at James in his bed, his long eyelashes and perfectly straight teeth.

“What does this mean?” he whispered.

James didn’t have an answer. Neither did Kendall. So he just went with it.  



	7. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to garnetice for beta-ing.

Chapter Seven  
  
Kendall had kissed girls before. He had necked with them in the back of cars, slid his hands up their hips and over their breasts under the bleachers of games. He hadn’t gone all the way, but he’d gone pretty far. So it wasn’t like he was a stranger to kissing.  
  
But kissing James was completely different from anything he’d ever tried. He was made of harder angles, stronger and more brazen. The pads of his fingers were calloused, rough against Kendall’s jaw as he pulled him closer. He panted against Kendall’s mouth, their teeth clicking and tongues twisting. Kendall could feel sweat beading at the nape of his neck, and he was dizzy from it all.  
  
He knew what it was, but he was afraid to admit it. Attraction. He was attracted to James. He had gravitated toward him since the day they had met, and vice versa.  
  
He also knew how dangerous a notion that was.  
  
James broke away, pressing kisses down the side of Kendall’s jaw and neck, turning his skin to gooseflesh. Kendall couldn’t stop the small moan that leaked from his lips. James’ smiled against his neck, his too-hot hand sliding up under Kendall’s shirt. Kendall gasped at the sudden touch, his hips rocking forward subconsciously. James winced when Kendall brushed his thigh, but only for a moment, kissing his stomach, making Kendall shudder.  
  
“Unh… what… James…” James leaned on his good leg, shifting so he was on top of him.  
  
“Let me… do this,” James breathed, popping the button on Kendall’s jeans and yanking them down.  
  
Kendall flushed bright red. “N-no, that’s not necessa-“  
  
James flicked his tongue over the head of Kendall’s dick before he could stop him and Kendall choked on his words. He had gone pretty far, but…  
  
He remembered Camille saying James felt things  _intensely_  again. Kendall wondered if James got physical so quickly with everyone he felt for. But then all thoughts were extinguished from his brain as James sucked him off, the only light in the room being the sliver of moonlight leaking through his curtains.  
  
Kendall grunted, the sound of his alarm clock ringing in his ears. His head was still heavy with sleep, because, really, he hadn’t gotten much sleep. James was curled into his side, warm and dozy as he drifted out of dreamland too. He groaned as he shifted his leg.  
  
“Are you alright?” Kendall asked, and his voice was husky and low. It felt like someone else’s voice.  
  
James nodded blearily, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. “Yuck. My hair.”  
  
Kendall shifted and thought about saying something similar, his boxer shorts feeling sticky and uncomfortable. Then the memories of the night before flooded his mind and his cheeks flushed.  
  
“We’ve got to go to school today, don’t we?” James murmured, gripping the bed post as he tried to stand. He grimaced, sucking in air through his teeth. “Man, I don’t want to go…”  
  
Kendall kicked his feet off the bed and rushed to him, just barely catching him before he fell over. James’ nails dug into Kendall’s hip.  
  
“Still hurts,” he grunted into Kendall’s neck.  
  
“I can see that,” Kendall said gently. “Come on. We’ll get you cleaned up. And a cane.”  
  
…  
  
“How’s the cripple?” Logan asked, flopping into the passenger seat of the car.  
  
James glared from the back seat. His hair wasn’t greased to his standards so he was already irritated. He had complained that Kendall didn’t know how to fix his own hair and it was an absolute shame. He never understood the men that fussed over their hair. It was just hair. Then again, for James, he supposed, it was an image.  
  
“Why does he get to sit in the front seat?” James whined.  
  
“Because he always sits there in the mornings.”  
  
James scoffed, leaning on his hand. “You could just take me home. I don’t want to go to school.”  
  
“Shocking,” Logan replied dryly. James kicked his seat with his good leg.  
  
“Will you two stop it?” Kendall snapped on both of them.  
  
Kendall couldn’t keep the stress from bubbling in his gut. Even though Logan clearly didn’t know a thing, Kendall kept feeling like what he had done last night with James was plastered all over his face in bright, neon colors. Enjoyable as it had been, he was nervous. Boys who liked boys were not accepted by society. Boys who liked boys were attacked. Shot at…. James had already been through plenty, and Kendall didn’t plan on taking any bullets any time soon. The mere thought of Logan digging that metal shell out of James’ scarred leg made him sick to his stomach.  
  
“Are you alright?” Logan asked after a pause. “You look pale.”  
  
“We had a rough night last night is all. I’m tired. I just want to go to school and go home.”  
  
“Did something happen?” Logan asked.  
  
“What  _didn’t_  happen last night?” Kendall snapped back, trying to mask the panic in his voice with anger. He then immediately hated the connotations that suggested and the smirk James flashed him in the rearview mirror.  
  
Logan seemed to get the message. Kendall huffed a breath and sped down the road.  
  
Students had the tendency to be brutal. Kendall had learned that over the years considering his friend choices. But rolling up on campus with both a nerd and a greaser in the car? They couldn’t stop talking.  
  
“Diamond, what are you doing?” One of James’ greasy buddies was thoroughly displeased.  
  
“Don’t have a cow,” James griped. “I was hitchhiking.”  
  
Kendall had to fight the urge to turn and stare, and he could feel his neck getting sore from the strain.  
  
“Hitchhiking?”  
  
“Yeah,” James grunted, clambering out of the vehicle with difficulty. “Banged up my leg. Didn’t feel like walking. Flagged him down.”  
  
“But he’s… a jock, man!”  
  
“He got me here, didn’t he?” James hunched his shoulders, popped a cigarette in his mouth and started limping to the front of the school.  
  
“Think he’ll be okay?” Logan asked slowly.  
  
“I don’t know.” Kendall didn’t know if either of them would be okay. Fooling around with another man… that could have dire consequences.  
  
Kendall tried not to think about it, even though some awfully lewd images of James looking up at him through his long eyelashes couldn’t seem to leave him alone.  
  
“Knight.”  
  
Kendall looked up from his… daydream was a good lie to see Jett’s large hand resting on his desktop.  
  
“Stetson…” he replied, lifting an eyebrow at the intensity in Jett’s greeting.  
  
“I heard you went to Camille’s party the other night. With Jo.”  
  
“Yeah, I did. Why?”  
  
Jett looked far more irritated than Kendall could find reason for. Then, he clarified. “Knight, she’s my woman.”  
  
Kendall bit back a snort. “No, she’s not.”  
  
“Yes, she is.”  
  
“No, Jett. She doesn’t belong to anyone. And definitely not you.”  
  
Jett glowered, as if Kendall was lying. Kendall didn’t understand how that was news to Jett. “Look. You better just… stay away from her. She’s mine. You understand?”  
  
Kendall didn’t want her. Not in the same way Jett did. In fact, his mind was still a bit littered with a completely different gender thanks to James Diamond and his amazing mouth. Kendall leaned on his hand and shrugged.  
  
“Fine, Jett. Fine.”  
  
“I’ve got my eye on you, Knight. Know that.”  
  
Jett stalked away. Kendall wasn’t bothered.  
  
“What’s his problem?” Camille draped over Kendall’s shoulders, her chin resting on his head.  
  
“Me, apparently,” Kendall responded, used to Camille being touchy-feely.  
  
“Oh? Why?”  
  
“I’m going after his girl. According to him.”  
  
“Jo is  _not_  his girl. Besides. She likes you.”  
  
Kendall fought a cringe. “Well, about that…”  
  
Camille reared back, spinning Kendall around to look at her. “About what?”  
  
“Jo. Liking me.”  
  
Camille gave a sigh. “Don’t tell me, okay? I don’t want it to be my business.”  
  
Kendall made a face. “What do you mean?”  
  
Camille sloughed off of him and dropped into a seat. “James hasn’t been acting too strange around you, has he?”  
  
Kendall nearly choked. “No. Why?”  
  
“No reason.”  
  
Kendall felt like they both knew what was happening, but neither had the guts to admit it. So he buried himself in his school work.  
  
…  
  
“Does Camille know about you?”  
  
James was sitting on the curb, nursing his hurting leg.  
  
“She knows… me. What do you mean?”  
  
“About…” Kendall dropped down next to him, hesitating in hopes James would get the point. When he didn’t, Kendall huffed. “About you being gay.”  
  
“Oh,” James muttered, looking embarrassed. “Yeah. Yeah, she does.”  
  
“How did she find out?”  
  
“She’s good at finding things out. She’s known me practically my whole life.” James twiddled his thumbs. “And she caught me once.”  
  
Kendall’s mind flashed back to the night before and he forced the blood out of his face before James could look over. “What were you doing?”  
  
“Nothing horrible. Innocent kissing. If you could call anything I do innocent.”  
  
“I don’t know if that’s possible. You need a ride?”  
  
James sighed. “Yeah, I do. All my friends are shunning me for showing up with you, and my leg hurts. A lot.”  
  
“Come on,” Kendall said, smiling. He pulled James up by the arm and helped him to his car. “Though I wonder if you’re not using the injury to get free rides in my car.”  
  
James smirked, his eyes twinkling. “I wouldn’t have to use the injury to do that.”  
  
…  
  
“Ouch,” James hissed. “Watch the leg.”  
  
Kendall tumbled off of him into the floorboard of the car, his lips swollen and pink, eyes hazy. They had driven far from the school and any judgmental eyes, so it seemed that kissing was really only the right thing to do. Kendall couldn’t remember how they ended up in the back seat in all the rush, but things had already started to get heated when his leg nudged against James’ wound.  
  
“Sorry,” he apologized genuinely.  
  
James leaned on his hand, looking down at Kendall’s crumpled form, his legs still kicked up in the seat. “You’re cute.”  
  
“Don’t say things like that,” Kendall grunted, his cheeks flushing. “It makes me sound like a girl.”  
  
James laughed. “You are a girl.”  
  
Kendall was only indignant for a moment, because they were kissing again and all his anger was forgotten.  
  
By the time they returned to the high school, it was sunset, and both of them were rather strung out from sharing each other’s breath for so long.  
  
“I can take you home,” Kendall said.  
  
James shook his head. “No. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Just… go home.”  
  
“But James—“  
  
“Ah-“ James held up his hand. “Tomorrow. Okay?” He clambered out of the car, leaning most of his weight on his good leg and limping away.  
  
“James?” Kendall called out. “What… what’s going on with us?”  
  
James shrugged. “I don’t know. But do you like it?”  
  
Kendall nodded a little warily.  
  
“Then don’t question it. In the meantime, let’s try not to complicate this, okay? See ya.”  
  
Complicate it? It was already complicated. Two boys fooling around wasn’t a simple thing. It wasn’t just lips upon lips or lips upon dick, God forbid. There was no way the actions could be just that. If it was as simple as James was pretending it was, people would have been okay with it.  
  
By the time Kendall got home, his head was hurting.  
  
“You’re home awfully late,” his mother greeted, not turning from the oven where she was actually baking cookies. (They smelled like they were burnt. His mother never was much of a cook.) “I finished unpacking hours ago. Everything alright?”  
  
“Oh, uh, yeah, mom. Just caught up on some studying.”  
  
“Your grades aren’t slipping are they? You’re studying a lot—“ His mother placed the tray of blackening cookies on the stovetop and stared momentarily. “Honey, your nose is bleeding.”  
  
Kendall’s hand swiped under his nose, and, sure enough, his fingers were stained red. “O-oh.”  
  
“Are you okay?” Katie asked, looking up from her homework at the kitchen table.  
  
Kendall nodded a little shakily. “Y-yeah. Just… just tired, I guess.”  
  
His mother patted him gently on the shoulders. “Dear, don’t get too caught up in your studies and stress yourself out. Just do the best you can. You know I’ll love you no matter what.”  
  
No matter what.  
  
Kendall wondered about challenging that, but thought better of it. “Right. Er… I’m gonna get some rest.”  
  
“Goodnight.”  
  
“Goodnight.”  
  
Kendall spent half the night just staring at his bed, remembering what took place there, and when he finally slept, he was on top of his blankets.  


 


	8. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to garnetice for beta-ing.

Chapter Eight  
  
Kendall felt like the entire world was watching him. He knew it was pretty narcissistic to think that way, because, really, who gave a damn about what he was doing most of the time? But he couldn’t stop feeling like eyes were boring into him; cold stares were pressing into his skin as he made his way through the hallways of the school. He felt like James’ hands and lips had left bright marks all over him, like everyone knew what he’d done in his bedroom and in his car. Like they were judging him about it.  
  
But no one actually knew.  
  
Kendall could process that. He could accept that. But at the same time, it didn’t put his paranoia to rest. And when it got too much, his nose would bleed. He was in the middle of an exam when crimson droplets made their way onto his paper, staining it red and making his heart jump.  
  
He told people he was experiencing bad allergies. He was really just stressing. And the worst part was, Logan was perfectly aware of it.  
  
“You don’t have allergies. You’ve never had allergies,” Logan said, watching Kendall shove toilet paper up against his nose in the bathroom. Kendall peered at him over the bloody mess, grimacing. “What’s going on, Kendall? You’ve been acting strange.”  
  
“Nothing,” Kendall lied. “I can have allergies. People’s bodies… change… right?”   
  
“Not in two days.”  
  
Kendall turned back to the sink, trying to shut out the argument. He didn’t want to talk about it. He could feel James’ phantom’s hands on him, like he was there, lingering over him, even as Logan questioned him. He couldn’t help but think he needed a cigarette, and he’d left them in his glovebox. And he was starting to feel a little lightheaded from the loss of blood.  
  
“Logan… I…” his voice cracked. “I may have done something… bad.”  
  
Logan furrowed his brows worriedly. “Bad?  _How bad?_ ”  
  
Kendall swallowed. “I’m not… sure.”  
  
Logan eyes widened as he scanned Kendall’s face. “Judging by your expression… very bad. Kendall, what did you do?”  
  
“I…” Kendall shook his head. “I can’t talk about it here.” He made to leave the bathroom, then paused at the door. “But, Logan… it doesn’t feel bad. I don’t know what to do.”  
  
For a second, Kendall thought he might cry. So he left.  
  
…  
  
Kendall lay flat on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t know what to do. He had kissed James. He’d had James’ mouth…  _on him._ He knew what happened to people who did things like that. He’d heard the stories. The insane asylum-bound gentleman that had fallen for their same-sex co-workers… the deaths…. It was scary. It was a scarier time than Kendall wanted to think. Forget the Soviets. There was a war going on at home that no one liked to talk about.  
  
He didn’t like to talk about it either.  
  
He checked the clock; ten o’ five. It was getting a little late. He was certain Logan wouldn’t wait too long for an explanation, not after seeing Kendall so distraught, but at least he wouldn’t bother him this late. The boy was always too considerate.  
  
A rapping came at Kendall’s bedroom window, and he thought at first that maybe Logan had overcome his manners. Then he remembered that Logan would still use the door, because climbing the tree outside was way too dangerous for him to even think of attempting.  
  
“Hang on,” Kendall said, flopping off his bed and locking his bedroom door. He went to the window and drew back the curtains to see James gripping onto the branch just outside. He opened the window. “What are you doing here?”   
  
“Had to get out for a bit.” James clambered in without further explanation, tossing a bag that had been slung over his shoulder onto the floor.  
  
“How did you get up that tree with your leg—“  
  
“Mind over matter, Letterman,” James replied, though he stumbled a little on the spot, right into Kendall’s waiting shoulder. “Okay, it did hurt a little bit.”  
  
“Here. Sit,” Kendall insisted, leading James to his bed. “You need to be more careful, you know. You’ll never heal if you keep tearing the wound.”  
  
James leaned into Kendall’s hair, his lips just grazing Kendall’s forehead. “Mm, I know.”  
  
Kendall took a shuddery breath, his hands on James’ knees. It was an odd place, kneeling before him like that.  
  
“Did you come here just to see me, or did you have a reason?” Kendall asked, and his voice felt huskier in his throat as James leaned down and pressed a kiss into the angle of his jaw.  
  
“I can’t just come to see you?”  
  
“I thought you didn’t want to complicate things.”  
  
James slid his tongue over the same spot. “Seems simple to me.”  
  
“But it’s not.”  
  
James pulled back and looked down at him. “You want the truth?”  
  
Kendall waited.  
  
“The cops are poking around my place. I don’t want them asking me any questions. I don’t like cops… My pops was a cop. Long time ago.”  
  
“Where is he?” Kendall asked.  
  
“No clue.”  
  
A long moment passed, James’ fingers still lingering in the hair at the nape of Kendall’s neck. “We gonna do this or what?”  
  
Kendall swallowed. “James…”  
  
“What?”  
  
“What if someone finds out? You know. About us.”  
  
“Could you just shut your mouth for a change?” James whined, pulling Kendall in and kissing him hard on the mouth.  
  
Kendall didn’t protest. He was beginning to find his body wouldn’t let him. He felt like he was gravitating more and more to James, and every time his hands were on him, he was too hot, too hazy, too…  _something._  He couldn’t control himself. It was like there was a fiery pit in his stomach that forced him to continue, no matter what he thought, no matter what others might think. But he knew it was bothering James too. It had to be. James had obviously had flings with other men before, and he had always kept it under wraps. Kendall was a popular kid. People often wondered what was going on in his life. And he had sounded distraught when he’d pulled Kendall in. When they broke away, Kendall looked at him with dark eyes, panting.  
  
“Are you… okay?” he breathed.  
  
“I just… need you right now, alright? Is that so bad?”  
  
Kendall didn’t think so. He couldn’t speak for anyone else.  
  
Kendall stood, leaning into the mattress, his knee between James’ thighs, and he cupped his face in his hands and kissed him again. James let out something between a moan and a whimper, falling back on the bed with Kendall on top of him. He reached up and began fiddling with the buttons on Kendall’s shirt, sliding it off his shoulders as he went. Then he made another noise and pulled away.  
  
“You… you’re bleeding,” he whispered, gingerly touching the wet spots beneath Kendall’s nose.  
  
Kendall didn’t even realize until then that he was trembling. “I—I’ve never done this before. A-aand, I’m under a lot of stress… I just… I don’t…”  
  
James sat up, Kendall still in his lap, smearing away the blood with his thumb. “You’re okay. You’re okay.” He leaned in close to Kendall’s neck and kissed gently there. “No one’s going to find out. But if you’re that afraid, we can stop.”  
  
“No,” Kendall choked out.  
  
His mind still wasn’t at ease.  
  
James’ large hands slid over Kendall’s ribcage, down his sides, callused and prickly but warm and affectionate. He feathered kisses down Kendall’s torso, all the way to right above his navel, where he sighed, tickling the hairs there. Kendall grunted, his head falling forward into James’ hair. It was only then that he noticed it hadn’t been greased at all. His hair smell like soap and the night air, and it was soft against Kendall’s face. James had been adamant about his grooming. Most greasers were. For him to show up without an ounce of grease in his hair was saying something. He just wasn’t sure what.  
  
“Kendall…” James murmured into Kendall’s stomach. “….Kendall, lie down, okay?”  
  
Kendall lowered himself onto the mattress, James clambering up next to him so they were nose to nose – just like when…  
  
Kendall closed his eyes and breathed. He had to keep himself together. He pushed James’ jacket off his shoulders; then grabbed at his t-shirt that looked like it needed to be cleaned and yanked it over his head. When that was done, James pulled Kendall in close, their bodies flush against each other, and the skin-to-skin contact made Kendall feel like the room was on fire. It felt like too-much-too-fast and not-enough-quick-enough all at the same time. He couldn’t understand it. James had put his mouth on Kendall’s dick before, but this was so much more than that. It was  _different._  
  
He didn’t want to say anything about it.  
  
James pressed his mouth against Kendall’s and they rolled over, and he hovered over Kendall, his hazel eyes looking almost gold as he seemed to study Kendall’s face with something like…admiration… Kendall felt his breath hitch. Then they were kissing again and James was pushing Kendall’s pajamas down his hips, lifting them off the bed so he could pull them all the way down. Kendall sat up, still nipping at James’ lips as he undid his belt buckle and the fly to James’ jeans. James let out a soft moan when Kendall began pushing his jeans down, careful with the bandaged wound on his legs. The echo of James’ screams played in his mind for only a moment. Because then he was looking at James.  
  
He’d never even realized it. But he hadn’t seen another man, nude, that close before. His heart began pounding in his chest, and he felt like all the blood was leaving his brain, leaving him completely dumb from James’ image.   
  
James chuckled a little. “Pick your jaw up off the floor, Letterman. Here.” James grasped Kendall’s wrist softly and placed his hand on James’ dick.  
  
It was odd, familiar and foreign, touching James. The overall gist of it was the same, of course, but James reacted differently, unexpectedly. His hips canted forward and he panted with each stroke, and he would murmur Kendall’s name from time to time, which sent electricity running through his veins. He thought about sucking James off, doing the same that James had done for him, but he honestly had no idea how. He kissed James’ wounded thigh.  
  
“I don’t…. I can’t…”  
  
Kendall was used to being the one who knew how to do things. He was used to being the pro. But he could hardly process thoughts at the moment, much less try anything new. And he was so hard he was actually starting to hurt.  
  
“It’s okay,” James breathed. “Just…” He swallowed, looking like he was doing everything he could to keep himself under control. “Hold on.”  
  
He began rifling through his bag, and out came a can of Vaseline. Kendall swallowed. Vaguely he noticed that James’ bag was filled with clothes and school supplies too. He had planned to stay…  
  
“Listen,” James said, and his voice was gruff and needy. “J-just do what I tell you, okay?”  
  
Kendall nodded, but his eyes were on James’ hand, slathered fingers making their way into his body, and  _oh_.  
  
Kendall’s chest was heaving with want. “Oh, God…”  
  
James then took to Kendall’s dick, slippery hands all over him. Kendall’s eyes rolled back, his head lolling onto the mattress.  
  
“Relax,” he said, guiding Kendall where he needed him. Kendall let him. He didn’t know what he was doing until James was squeezing down on him, gritting his teeth with the effort.  
  
It was actually happening. Kendall was losing his virginity. He hadn’t even discussed it. He sensed another nosebleed coming on soon.  
  
It took what felt like ages before James spoke. “Move, Kendall. God…”  
  
He did as he was told, the heat and the tension really far too much. He was already beyond overwhelmed, and it only took him a few moves before he was seeing stars and toppling over the edge of orgasm.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Kendall choked, but James leaned in and kissed him again, his hand between them as he jerked himself to his own climax, spilling white on Kendall’s chest.   
  
Then he collapsed over next to Kendall, tangled still in his limbs.  
  
Kendall was trying to remember how to breathe.  
  
Hours passed. Kendall drifted in and out of sleep. It was past two when he roused enough to speak.  
  
“Why did you really come here?”  
  
James laced his fingers with Kendall’s, still halfway between sleep and awake. “Uncle just got out of control again. The cops got called. I just needed to get out for a while.”  
  
“You haven’t been at school much.”  
  
“Trying to heal. Honest.” He sighed. “Missed riding in that car, man.”   
  
Kendall laughed softly. “Oh, yeah?”  
  
“Mmhmm.”  
  
Kendall drifted back into dreamland briefly after that. When he awoke, James was gone, and his mother was knocking on his door.  
  
“Kendall? It’s time to get up.”  
  
…  
  
Kendall had been branded. Or at least, he felt like he was. And when James came strutting into the school, cigarette hanging from his lips and hair greased to perfection, he couldn’t stop himself from staring. He knew what that body looked like without the t-shirt, jeans, and leather jacket. He knew the whimpers of desperation that could be pulled from him.  
  
He also knew he had failed quite well at having sex with him.  
  
Oh, God. He had had  _sex_  with him.  
  
Kendall was getting seasick. He was floundering between absolutely craving James to feeling guilty beyond words for what he had done. He couldn’t figure out what was right. Was he feeling the wrong things? Or maybe society was telling him the wrong things. He didn’t know.  
  
“Kendall,” Logan greeted. “Kendall, are you okay?”  
  
Kendall blinked. “What?”  
  
“Are you okay? You look like you’re a million miles away.”  
  
Kendall shuddered. “I… I wish I was.”  
  
James sauntered by without a second glance. Kendall was amazed at his ability to look completely unfazed.   
  
“Kendall…”  
  
“Library? I need to… I need to look up something.”  
  
…  
  
Kendall scanned through the shelves for ten minutes before he finally found it. He’d heard about it in the whispered rumors of his mother’s friends, but he had never even thought about needing it until that moment.  
  
“ _Sexual Behavior in the Human Male_ ,” Logan read over Kendall’s shoulder. “By Alfred Kinsey?... Pretty taboo book. What do you need it for?”  
  
Kendall felt like he’d burst if he didn’t say something, so he dragged Logan further into the shelves, where he was certain they wouldn’t be heard. “I need it for me, you dunce. What do you think?”  
  
Logan looked severely uncomfortable with that information. “….Why?”  
  
“Because… because, Logan, I think I… have a problem.”


	9. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

Chapter Nine

Logan was Kendall’s best friend since childhood. They had stayed up late in treehouses with only flashlights to keep them company. They had eaten lunch together every day at school. They had shared every secret that had ever been placed in their heads.

Except one.

Kendall swallowed, inching further into the shelves of books and sitting in a corner he considered secluded. He let out a long sigh and tried to word everything in his head. Because what he was about to say was _big_. Like, friendship-ruining big.

And judging by Logan’s face, he could sense that. He plopped down next to Kendall and folded his hands.

“Take your time, Kendall,” he said gently.

Logan had always been so understanding. Even when Kendall did the dumbest things in the world, Logan had been there to support him – with a fair amount of scolding. When Kendall’s dad passed away, he’d been the shoulder for Kendall to cry on.

And boy, he did. He cried for hours. It was ugly, snotty, and violent, and all he remembered was that he woke up the next morning, tucked into bed with dried tears on his cheeks.

“I’ve… done something.”

Logan waited, listening with fear in his eyes.

“I… I kissed someone… I did more than that. Way more.”

“Okay,” Logan breathed. “Who was it, Kendall?”

It wasn’t exactly considered wonderful if someone had lost their virginity (not that it stopped anyone from doing so), but Kendall knew that _Logan knew_ that there had to be more to the story.

“…Promise you won’t hate me? Please.” Because he couldn’t handle it if Logan hated him. He had no one else to turn to.

“I could never hate you, Kendall.”

“It was James…” The words tumbled out of Kendall’s mouth before he could stop them.

“What?” Logan jolted, a couple of books rattling on the shelf he was sitting against. “That… that _grease stain?!_ Oh, Kendall.”

“He’s not so bad. He’s really not. It’s just an act to throw people off his trail.”

“Kendall, you only met him… what… a couple of weeks ago, maybe? How did this… happen?”

“I don’t know!” Kendall buried his face in his hands. “I’ve been asking myself that same question… but… I just… I don’t…”

Logan frowned, worriedly. “How do you feel about him?”

“What?”

“How do you _feel_ about him, Kendall? By the way you’ve been panicking, you’re well aware of the repercussions of having a relationship with another man. So I’m asking if you love him, because whatever you’re doing with him, it should definitely at least be worth it.”

“I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.” Kendall sighed. “It’s different, though. I’ve never felt it before. Maybe that’s why I can’t figure out what it is.”

“Well, Kendall…” Logan hugged his knees, looking at him gravely. “You best figure it out. Because if anyone finds out about this little… _fling_ … you’re going to be in a lot of trouble. No matter what that book says.” He gestured to Kinsey’s book. “I wouldn’t want you throwing your life away just for a little fooling around.”

It had started as that, but Kendall wasn’t so sure that it was staying that way, not with the way James had looked at him the night before. _“I just… need you right now, alright? Is that so bad?”_ Kendall had never had anyone actually _need_ him before. That wasn’t something that happened in a _fling_ , as Logan had so quaintly put it, was it?

“Logan…” Kendall murmured. “I’m… I’m really scared… about what’s going to happen.”

“Then why not stop it, Kendall? Why are you—“

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” He sighed. “I don’t understand how something can feel… right and wrong at the same time.”

Logan shook his head. “Read the book, Kendall. Do what you want. But… please be careful. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

The bell rang. They had missed class.

“If anyone asks, you were barfing in the bathroom,” Logan sighed. “Why don’t you go see the school nurse so I can lie?” Logan eased himself up, shaking his head.

Kendall grabbed Logan and wrapped his arms around him. “Thank you.”

Logan still felt tense, worried, like he always was. “You’re welcome.”

 

 

“What’s that?”

Kendall looked up from the book he was reading. “Sometimes, I swear you’re following me.”

James smirked, flopping down next to Kendall. It was close to sunset. There weren’t any people hanging around the elementary school playground, and Kendall had clambered into the middle of the monkey bars, hoping not to be seen. It was getting dusky out, however, and harder and harder to read the words in front of him.

“I do believe you were the first one to follow me out here.”

Kendall closed the book. “It’s Alfred Kinsey’s _Sexual Behavior in the Human Male._ ”

James snickered. “Interesting. I guess this explains why you hang with the nerd.”

“This is actually _your_ fault,” Kendall responded, waving the book at him.

“Am I not catching you up to speed fast enough?”

Kendall grimaced. He was having a sexuality crisis and James was making jokes.

“James… why did you… why did you come over last night?”

“I told you-“

“Yeah, but why did you come to me? You could have easily gone to… Camille’s or…”

“I just—“

“You _needed_ me. That’s what you said. You needed me.”

James ducked under a bar and came completely into Kendall’s space. “I did say that.”

“What did you mean? You said… you said you didn’t want to make things complicated.”

“I… wanted to see you.” James sat, folding his legs under him, looking embarrassed. “I’ve been… thinking about you. How you saved me. You didn’t have to.”

“Logan was technically the one who saved you.”

James shook his head. “I told Carlos to call you. I mean… I know we haven’t known each other very long. I’ve just been kind of… going with it. I like you. I like how I feel when I’m around you.”

Kendall chewed on his lip. “I do too. But… but, James. It’s wrong.”

“Is it?” He fired back suddenly. “Because I’ve been attracted to boys for as long as I can remember. It’s not… it’s not fair. If anyone knew that I felt that way, I’d be carted off to the crazy house.”

“Yeah, I’m figuring that out, trust me.”

“You don’t think I’ve _tried_ to be… _normal?_ I have. I’ve dated women and tried things with them, but I never felt anything. Not at all. When I’m with you, though… I don’t know. I’ve never felt something so strong in my life. I thought this was gonna be like everything else. That we’d fool around for a couple of weeks and that would be it.” His voice started to shake. “It wasn’t supposed to go this far. Not this soon. I didn’t go to you last night planning that, I swear.”

Kendall grabbed James’ hand in hopes to reassure him that he wasn’t angry. He couldn’t figure out why, because he certainly had the right, but he wasn’t.

“How do you… feel about me?”

He felt like he was repeating Logan’s words. He didn’t expect to get the same response.

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” He sighed. “You should know by now that I’m not the type of guy who does things halfway. I’ve been trying to convince myself that everything’s fine… but I get lonely when I don’t see you. I miss you. Isn’t that ridiculous?”

Kendall didn’t want to admit that he wasn’t far from being the same way. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m not supposed to be… to be…”

“Gay,” James answered for him. “But you are, and I am, and what do you want to do about it?” His grip on Kendall’s hand tightened. “When my uncle went berserk last night, all I could think about was that I wanted to see you. That seeing you would make me feel better.”

Kendall’s heart was fluttering. James was bombarding him with so many loving, needy words, and he had no idea how to respond. James had been shot down in the past, and had been dealing with how he felt for years. He’d slept with men and become emotionally attached to men, and was so much closer to understanding who he was than Kendall thought he might ever be. It was all so new to him, and terrifying, and…

He honestly had no clue what to say. It was overwhelming.

He didn’t want to hurt James. He didn’t even know what to think. It was happening too fast. It wasn’t supposed to—

“You… wanna go for a ride?” Kendall asked, and his voice cracked against his will.

James’ shoulders slumped, almost relieved. “I thought you’d never ask.”

 

It was past twilight when Kendall stopped driving, pulling into a field that looked like it went on for ages. The fumes of wildflowers and grass still filled the air with the night breeze, and it was just chilly enough to lift the hair on Kendall’s arms. He flopped down in the grass and sighed. He did feel a little less tense without the worry that someone might be watching him. James seemed a little more at ease too, and had finally cooled it with the desperate-lover talk.

“I’m sorry,” Kendall said after a long time, both of them flat-backed in the plants. “I’m sorry. I know I didn’t tell you what you wanted…”

“It’s okay,” James said. “I shouldn’t expect you to…”

“Camille told me that you’ve always felt things _intensely_.” Yes, her words had practically haunted Kendall.

James gave a pathetic little laugh. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess she’s right on that one.”

Kendall thought about the word _infatuated._ Because he thought that maybe that was what James was feeling. After all, being gay, it wasn’t like there were many men to seek. Kendall wondered if James was just in love with the idea of Kendall being gay too. Not that he was completely sure of it himself. He was too confused to figure out his own feelings. He just knew that physically, he’d never felt so strongly for a person. But emotionally? He felt like James was still a stranger to him, somewhat. He didn’t know his family, his life, his friends, anything.

“I don’t feel like I know you, James.”

“There’s not much more to know about me than what you already know, Kendall.”

“I’ve never been to your house…”

“I wouldn’t want you to. It’s… it’s bad there. I don’t even go there most of the time.”

“Where do you go?”

“I spend a lot of time with Carlos. And you…”

“James, what if someone finds out?”

“No one’s gonna find out.”

“But what if they _do_ , James? What do we do?”

“I… I don’t know.” He huffed. “I wish I knew.”

James crept closer to Kendall, leaning his head against Kendall’s shoulder. “If you want to stop, just say it. I won’t be mad. I won’t mess up your car.”

Kendall wasn’t sure about anything, but he spoke with more sincerity than he thought he could muster. “I don’t want to stop. I told you that last night.”

“Yeah, but you weren’t in your head. I… pushed you.”

“You didn’t.”

“I did. Just because you liked it didn’t mean I didn’t push you.”

Kendall blushed.

“I don’t want to stop,” he said again, hoping his voice wouldn’t waver. “But… I don’t know if this is right.”

“I wish it was easier. I wish I could tell you something that could help.”

“You can’t.”

They lay there for what felt like days, and neither said a word. Then Kendall dropped James off at the high school and went home. He buried himself in the book.

He still didn’t know if how he felt was right – or even _what_ he felt exactly. He _did_ know, however, that no matter if it was right or not… it really didn’t matter after all. If anyone found out, it would be wrong, no matter what that book said, no matter what Logan thought, no matter what James thought.

When Kendall woke up the next morning, he had blood on his pillow.  



	10. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

Chapter Ten

James separated himself from Kendall. Two entire weeks began creeping crept by without a word from him, with hardly even a glance. Kendall was confused. James had poured confessions from his chest. The look in his eyes had been obsessive, feral, needy. And suddenly he wasn’t looking at Kendall at all. He wasn’t appearing at his window. He wasn’t leaning over the door of his car. He was just completely absent from Kendall’s life.

Kendall tried to deal with it. He did. But then it came.

Loneliness.

He never thought he’d feel it. He always had someone with him. He had his teammates and his friends, and plenty to do.  But gradually, he started to feel weighed down by this… overwhelming sadness. He _missed_ the companionship. Every time he got in his car, he waited, feeling like maybe James would creep into his view and they would go for a drive and kiss and hold each other and…

It didn’t happen.

He didn’t have any nosebleeds, but he felt like his skin was made of stone. He dragged through his days. He couldn’t seem to comprehend anything in his classes. And then came football practice…

He knew he wasn’t on his A-game. He accepted that. But he also knew that Jett was purposely knocking him around.

“Jett, what is your problem?!” Kendall finally yelled, yanking the helmet off his head and throwing it at him as hard as possible. It slammed into Jett’s shoulder, and his fist went flying.

Kendall decked Jett hard in the chin, but his helmet took more of the blow, his hand aching. Jett grabbed Kendall by the shoulders and pushed him to the ground. He felt like his lungs deflated, gasping for oxygen under Jett’s strong arms. And for one horrifying moment, with a blush creeping up the back of his neck, he realized Jett was attractive. If only he wasn’t such an inconsiderate, horrible human being.  If only James hadn’t been ignoring him. If only Kendall wasn’t gay.

And he was gay, no matter how much he didn’t want to be. He was pretty sure he crossed that line.

“G-GET OFF!” He yelled, kneeing Jett in the gut and pushing him away.

The altercation was broken up before many bruises were made, but Kendall could still feel the rage in his gut. He was already stressed. He didn’t need Jett pushing him.

“Hey, hey, hey!” The coach yelled, his eyes fiery and angry. “Why don’t you two go cool off so we can actually play a game, eh? Or do neither of you want to play on Friday?”

“Sorry, Coach,” they both grumbled. Kendall still gave Jett the finger when the coach turned around.

By the time the team hit the showers, Kendall felt like his limbs were going to fall off his body. He didn’t let it stop him from confronting Jett, however.

“Hey, do me a favor on Friday, Stetson, and attack the _other_ team? Maybe we’ll have a chance at winning then.”

“Get bent, Knight. And stay away from my girl.”

“ _That’s_ what this is about?! She’s _not_ your girl, and she’s _not_ my girl, so back off “Please, I’ve seen the way you look at her.”

Yeah, only if James was behind her. Kendall fought the urge to sneer.

“I’m not interested in her. In fact, I’m about as interested in her as she is in _you_.”

Jett’s hand collided with locker right next to Kendall’s head. He glared Kendall down, snarling, his lip curling off of his perfectly straight, white teeth. Kendall’s heart dropped.

“I’ve got my eye on you, Knight. Know that.”

He believed him.  
 

“Mom, how did you know that you were in love with Dad?” Kendall asked, poking at his mashed potatoes with disinterest.

He’d been thinking about James all day, how much leaner he felt than Jett, how when he got angry, there were flecks of gold in his eyes, how he could be menacing without trying. And he only missed him more. After his scare on the field, Kendall was longing for contact, for the pretty words that James just seemed to be able to spout without any effort whatsoever. He wanted James’ hot hands all over him, his soft whispers tickling the hairs on his neck. Kendall would have been fine with a look in his direction. Like maybe James wasn’t lying to him when he spewed all those pretty words on the playground.

 “Why are you asking, son?” his mother asked, looking intrigued.

“I was just… curious.”

She gave him an almost-knowing smile. Kendall thought she could never know everything. Katie’s eyes darted between them, as if she was trying to pick up on something unspoken.

“To be honest, honey, I just… knew.”

“When did you know?”

She giggled, almost like she was a schoolgirl again. “Oh, I don’t know. We met at a friend’s wedding. My mother introduced us. I just remember thinking he was very handsome and charming. And, I guess, after a little while, I just… loved him.”

Kendall took a bite of his food, processing it. “What does… what does it feel like?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s different for everyone,” she said. “But, I basically knew that I just couldn’t live without him.”

Kendall didn’t know about that.

He swallowed slowly. He wasn’t hungry. Not for food anyway.

   
He tried to put a name to it - mindless infatuation, sexual desire – whatever he felt for James, but he couldn’t seem to find the right fit. A word starting with _L_ came to mind once or twice, but he refused to think it fully and settled with _lust_ instead. But for the most part, he felt like he was going crazy. Laying in that field with James, weeks before; sharing his bed with him; driving the streets with him in the passenger seat – there was a sense of companionship that Kendall didn’t get when he was with Logan or Josephine or any of his fellow football players. He supposed he didn’t realize how _good_ he felt with James until his presence suddenly vanished from his life, almost all together.  
It was no way to live. He didn’t like the lingering sadness that seemed to pull on him like gravity. He hated the confusion, the fear of what he was, what he wanted – but the loneliness… it was worse.

He understood. He understood why James had reacted the way he did, becoming so desperate for Kendall’s affection. When Kendall admitted to himself that, yes, he was gay, he felt as if he had cast himself out of the social norm. His peers didn’t know – except for Logan and probably Camille – and didn’t treat him any differently. But he _felt_ different.

It wasn’t all bad. There was something thrilling about accepting something so personal, against all odds. And knowing that there was someone out there just like him was comforting. James made it seem like what they were doing _wasn’t_ wrong; everyone else was. Kendall couldn’t help but agree. Someone that made him feel so amazing couldn’t be bad for him, could he?

James attended the football game on Friday. Kendall picked him out of the crowd immediately, and it wasn’t just because he stuck out like a sore thumb in his black leather jacket. James’ eyes were on Kendall the entire game, and even with Jett delivering sudden, hidden blows with every chance he got, Kendall felt like a star player. And he played like one too.

“Boy, I haven’t seen football played like that in years. Good job,” Coach said. Kendall beamed. Jett glared.

He was bombarded by classmates – pretty girls and boys with too much energy – and he embraced it, being their star, the boy they had all accepted him to be, even though he knew that he wasn’t that. Not exactly anyway. Jett still glowered like Kendall had _actually_ done something wrong. Though the kiss Jo planted on Kendall’s cheek didn’t help matters.

Jett clocked Kendall the moment they were alone in the locker room, sending him into the metal doors with little to no warning. Kendall howled with pain, knowing a bruise was forming on his left cheekbone  which had collided with the door. Then he flipped the wooden bench into Jett’s thighs and attacked, pummeling at that too-pretty, too well-sculpted face of his. But Jett was stronger than Kendall, grabbing him by the collar of his football uniform and pushing him down to the concrete floor.

“You think I’m _stupid_ , Knight?!” Jett screamed.

“Yes. Yes I do,” Kendall spat right back. Jett pushed his forearm into Kendall’s windpipe for that smart remark. Spots flashed before his eyes.

“Hey, HEY! Get off ‘im!” Suddenly, Jett was stumbling backwards into the lockers, and James was holding him still, pocket knife ready. “You think you’re a badass, Stetson? Hm? Get lost!” He threw him aside and Jett went running, all the color gone from his face. “You heard me! Get out of here before I stick this knife where the sun don’t shine!”

Kendall knew that if James hadn’t been flashing the blade like his life depended on it, Jett would have stuck around and probably traded more than a few blows the greaser. But he was relieved that James had scared him off.

“Th-thanks,” Kendall coughed, his throat dry. He was still a little shaken from the sudden onslaught of his teammate, but he knew the bruises would heal.

“Consider it payback,” James replied, offering him a hand up, “For helping get that bullet out of my thigh.”

Kendall didn’t let go of James’ hand, even when he was back on his feet. Even when James tried to pull away.

“I miss you,” Kendall explained, the words flying from his lips like they had a life of their own.

James stared for a long time. “You said… _you said_ that it was wrong.”

“I _said_ I didn’t want to stop.”

“But you’re… confused,” James said, frowning. “I pushed you. I wanted you to make up your mind on your own.”

Kendall felt like his heart was trying to claw itself out of his chest to get to James. He was fairly sure he’d made that decision.

“I am. I’m really confused. I’m confused about you telling me all these amazing things and then just dropping off my planet for weeks.”

James grimaced. “You were a mess when we were… you know. So… I backed off. I don’t want you to get in trouble. I don’t want you to be afraid. I want you to be happy.  What’s wrong with that?”

“Well, I’m not! I’m not happy, James.”

“Well, that’s not _my_ problem anymore, is it?” James tried his best to sneer, but there was hurt in his eyes that he couldn’t hide.

“Yes it is!”

“How?! What do you _want_ from me, Kendall?” James screamed, exasperated, looking on the verge of tears.

“Nothing,” Kendall breathed. “Just you.”

James hardly got a syllable out before Kendall crushed his lips against James’. James’ hands scrabbled for a moment, looking for a grip, finally landing on Kendall’s hips as his back fell back against the lockers. Kendall took in the smell of him, the smell of leather and motor oil and cigarettes, intoxicating him, leaving him dumb on his feet. James’ hands were so strong and so timid at the same time, questioning,  wanting. He could hear the questions in James’ mind. _Do you really want to do this? Aren’t you afraid? Are you happy? Are you okay with this?_ Logan’s voice lingered in the back of his mind. _Whatever you’re doing, it should definitely at least be worth it._

He’d never felt more right in his life.


	11. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to garnetice for beta-ing.

Chapter Eleven  
  
Jett backed off. In fact, he didn’t just back off, he started pretending Kendall didn’t even exist. Kendall was okay with that. He didn’t like having Jett breathing down his neck. Jett wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, but he was tough, and he was angry, and really it was a horrible combination as a whole. It also allowed him to focus on other things. More important things.  
  
He and James kept up a pretty good façade at school, pretending they were still a part of the social norm. Weekends became their time.  
  
They always met at Carlos’ house, which was becoming something like a secret bungalow in which they wouldn’t be judged. Logan would tag along sometimes, and they would drive down to a lake and enjoy the sunshine. Carlos dove in, even when the weather was a bit too chilly for it, and his brothers and sisters spent most of the time being absolutely fascinated with by Logan.  
And really, Logan had changed because of it.  
  
“They’re so smart, Kendall. They’re always asking me these questions and learning, and, God, Kendall, they’re just so smart.”  
  
Logan had been told all his life that people like the Garcia clan were ignorant cavemen that deserved to either be destroyed, or, in the kindest cases, pitied. Carlos was a bit dense, but far from ignorant. And some of his siblings were exceptionally bright. Logan seemed overwhelmed by the idea. Kendall didn’t know why it bothered Logan so much.  
  
“It’s beautiful out here,” James said. “They throw these people out here like they’re garbage and they turn it into something great. I just don’t get it.”  
  
Kendall laced his fingers with James’ as they walked along the shoreline, the sound of laughter playing in their ears.   
  
“I don’t get a lot of things,” Kendall replied. James smiled.  
  
“I hope though, one day, they get what they deserve, you know? That we all do.”  
  
“Yeah, it would be nice not to have to hide. This is great and everything, but,” Kendall sighed. “It’s still secret. It’s still hidden.”  
  
It had been three weeks since Kendall had cornered James in the locker room, and he could only describe them as blissful. He felt like he was meeting himself for the first time. And they were at least  _attempting_  to slow down, though James always got a little handsy when kissing in the back seat of Kendall’s car. Kendall was starting to get used to the feel of James hand on his dick.  
  
Kendall wasn’t experiencing nosebleeds anymore, but Logan was nervous enough to make up for it. As much as he tried to be supportive, he was making it fairly clear that he wasn’t comfortable with Kendall being with James. Kendall couldn’t figure out if it was the fact that he was with a man, or if it was because he was with a man that constantly made fun of Logan. Most of the time it was in good fun, but Logan had the tendency to get flustered.  
  
“Hey, Specs,” James called out to Logan, swinging Kendall’s arm a bit in his hand. “Those kids are outrunning you.”  
  
Logan was playing a game with them. Kendall wasn’t sure what the game consisted of, but he was pretty sure Logan was losing.  
  
Logan stumbled a little and glared back at James. “Must you refer to everyone by what they wear?” He straightened his glasses as if to accentuate his argument.  
  
“Hey, hey, hey,” James lilted, smirking. “Me and Letterman, here. We’re happy. Consider it a term of endearment.”  
  
Logan huffed. “Can’t you just call me Logan? I get called enough names as it is.”  
  
James arched his eyebrows, and he looked sympathetic for a moment. “Alright, alright. Logan.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“You’re welcome.”  
  
Kendall was proud of Logan. Logan had been raised on the ideals of his family, and had read plenty of books that told him that homosexuality was wrong. And though he tried very hard to be supportive, it was clear that he had difficulty making a decision on how he felt about it. But he seemed to care more for his friends than for his own feelings.  
  
Days often went like that, spending time with Carlos’ family, holding hands with James in a place of no judgment. The Garcias were a different breed of people all together, against oppression on all sides, which was more than a rarity. Their home was warm and easy and hidden away, where others wouldn’t bother, and neighbors didn’t often visit because, frankly, they didn’t want to hang with the  _white man_. (Kendall supposed he couldn't blame them.) It was magical to say the least. Kendall felt like he was in his own personal heaven, where eyes weren’t watching when he kissed James or held his hand. It left a warm, fluttery feeling in his chest that had him walking on air for the rest of the week.  
  
Having to pretend away from that place, though… it was hard. And getting more and more difficult as time went by. Kendall wanted to touch James constantly, feel the heat from his body, the familiar pulse of his heart thrumming against his own. He felt like he was on stage, putting on a show, and becoming more and more uncomfortable with the character he was trying to portray.  
  
James came tumbling through his window on a Friday night.  
  
“Hey,” Kendall greeted with surprise. “I was gonna come pick you up tomorrow—“  
  
“I couldn’t wait,” James breathed, grabbing Kendall and pushing their lips together desperately.  
  
Kendall stumbled back onto his bed, James’ body hot against his, his tongue sliding easily over Kendall’s lips and teeth. Kendall groaned with need. It had been an entire week since he’d even touched James’ hand, and the contact was almost a little too much too fast.  
  
“Is your door locked?” James gasped, devouring Kendall’s neck and making his way down to his collarbone.  
  
Kendall grunted a  _yes_. He wouldn’t admit it, but he had been hoping James would show for a couple of weeks. When he pulled back, however, Kendall jolted. He got a look at James’ face.  
  
His right eye was swollen and blackened.  
  
“Wh—Hey, where did you get that shiner?”  
  
James grimaced. “It’s nothing.”  
  
“It’s something.”  
  
James sighed. “Can we not talk right now? Please?”  
  
They immediately resumed kissing, and Kendall figured it could wait. As much as it bothered him that James was clearly hurting, he also had come to realize that James preferred to express himself physically first – and answer questions later. He was  _intense_ , as Camille had put it (God, it felt like centuries ago), and preferred immediate gratification.  
  
It didn’t take long before James was stripping Kendall of his clothing, and placing kisses in the naughtiest of places. He gritted his teeth, a vein in his neck popping under Kendall’s hot hand, and hiked Kendall’s legs up around his waist. Kendall’s hips bucked involuntarily with the friction of James’ jeans, and he was already panting when James peeled out of his jacket and tossed it aside.  
  
“Think you can last a little longer this time?” James chuckled a little, pulling away just long enough to pull his jeans and underwear down his legs and his shirt over his head.  
  
Kendall flushed from cheek to cheek. He never mentioned to James that he’d been a virgin the first night they’d had sex, and naturally he didn’t last very long. But James had made him come quite a few times since then, with just the palm of his hand, so Kendall could only hope he’d last. But he could still be a little indignant about it.  
  
James was lubricating his fingers when Kendall realized that it was going to be different than the last time. He felt his breath hollow in his chest, the cold sting of fear in his gut softening his dick in James’ hand.  
  
“What?” James asked. Then, getting it, he sighed sympathetically. “Just relax. It’s gonna be okay.”  
  
Kendall trusted him. It was kind of hard not to, considering what they were hiding. Kendall felt like he was holding James’ life in his hands, and James was doing the same. Because their sanity would be severely questioned if anyone knew what they were doing. Kendall was fairly sure Logan already questioned it a bit, even though he would never say so.  
  
Kendall winced when James’ finger slid inside him, a sharp pain jolting through him and making his toes curl into the sheets.  
  
“Relax,” James cooed, kissing him softly on the side of the mouth.  
  
“H-hurts,” Kendall grunted, trying to shift his body to a more comfortable position.  
  
“It won’t forever.”  
  
It felt like forever, James slowly pumping his finger in and out of Kendall, matching it with his hand on Kendall’s dick, trying to distract him from the flares of pain in him. Then he was adding digits and Kendall was gritting his teeth and trying to ignore the hurt. He closed his eyes, the blurs and sparks of color mixing into some strange kaleidoscope. He tried to focus on the hues, how they swirled with one another like different colored paints, creating new ones that he could never name. Colors like the dark bruises James was leaving with his fingertips. Colors like the golden flecks in James’ eyes.   
  
Then Kendall felt it. James’ finger curled slightly in side of him and he gasped, a shock going straight through him, his hips canting upward, his body tensing. James froze.  
  
“Do--- do that again,” Kendall breathed, his eyes popping open to look at James.  
James smiled. “Your wish is my command.”  
  
Kendall moaned, gripping at the sheets with white knuckles as James fingered him and stretched him until he seemed satisfied. Then his fingers were gone, leaving Kendall whimpering at the sudden cold space in him.  
  
“I told you it would get better.” James lifted Kendall’s leg over his hip and leaned in close, flyaway hairs dipping dangerously close to Kendall’s face. And he was so beautiful that Kendall couldn’t help but crane his neck and kiss the air from his lips.  
  
James pushed into Kendall with a gasp.  
  
“God…” he whispered.  
  
Kendall found it strange. Rumor had it that God was called on pretty often in the throes of ecstasy, and yet it was considered a sin. He couldn’t understand that. Why would it be wrong to feel so good, so happy? Why would the human body be capable of feeling so much pleasure only to be punished for it? Did people call out to God for forgiveness, or was it something else?  
  
“Move, James,” Kendall murmured into his shoulder. “It’s okay.”  
  
And they were rocking back and forth, a rhythm to a song that wasn’t playing. Kendall’s breath hitched in his throat and he hung on for dear life. His sense of touch exploded to life. He could feel the muscles jumping underneath his skin, his lungs catching air, his pupils blowing into large black holes. And James. He could feel the rough callouses on his fingertips pressing into his hips, the scratch of stubble against his jaw, the hiss of breath against his ear as his speed quickened.  
  
“James…” Kendall murmured, but it came out more like a cry. “James, I—“  
  
Kendall didn’t even expect it. He plummeted off the edge, his entire body convulsing around James, his vision blurring white. And James was right behind him, filling him, Kendall’s name tumbling from his lips as he shuddered over him.  
  
When Kendall came down, James had collapsed over next to him, panting, sweat still dotting on his forehead. Kendall reached out and pushed a piece of hair out of James’ eyes. He smiled, sated and gratified. Kendall pulled the sheet over their heads, hiding them from the world in their own private cocoon. James gave a breath of a chuckle at the idea of it, curling further into Kendall and kissing him gently. Sleep nagged at Kendall’s lids, his body exhausted.  
  
“Is it too early?” James asked after what felt like ages.  
  
“Too early for what?”  
  
James shook his head. “No. Nevermind.”  
  
“No, tell me,” Kendall badgered playfully, poking at him.  
  
James dodged, amused, then settled into the pillow, looking at Kendall in the dim light.  
  
“I might…” he hesitated. “No. It’s too early.”  
  
“Hey,” Kendall murmured. “Carpe Diem.”  
  
“What does that even mean?”  
  
Kendall laughed. “It means  _Seize the Day._ ”  
  
“I think I’ve been seizing too much of the day though. It’s gonna come back and get me.”  
  
“Don’t be so paranoid.”  
  
“Says the boy whose nose bleeds at the thought of us being caught.”  
  
Kendall blushed. “I’m trying, okay?”  
  
“I know. But…”  
  
“What?”  
  
James clammed up. Kendall gave up. He was too tired to argue. He closed his eyes and let his hands trail over James’ skin, waiting until sleep claimed him.  
  
“I love you,” James whispered into his hair.  
  
James must have thought he was asleep, Kendall mused. Kendall grinned into James’ chest. He found it funny how easy it sounded.  
  
“I love you, too,” he said.  
  
James tensed.  
  
“Too soon?” Kendall asked, casting an amused look at him.  
  
“Apparently not.”  
  
Kendall fell asleep in James’ arms.  
  
When Kendall awoke, James was still snoozing, a warm body weighing down the mattress. He didn’t even budge when Kendall clambered out from under his arm and the sheets. He bathed quietly. He knew he had to confront James about the shiner on his eye, but it felt like there were a lot more important things on the table. Like love. That was a scary word. It hadn’t seemed so frightening in the cloak of night and the haze of sex. But in the morning, it lingered in the air, heavy. It didn’t feel wrong by any means, but the weight of the word… it wasn’t to be ignored. Neither was the soreness in his backside, to be honest.  
  
He dried off and slid a pair of jeans up his legs with difficulty and was reaching for a shirt when there was a knock at his door.  
  
He stared at James on his bed for a moment. James was still out.  
  
“Who is it?” he asked timidly, hoping he wouldn’t give anything away and that James wouldn’t wake up shouting suddenly.  
  
“It’s Logan,” came the muffled reply. “Open the door.”  
  
Kendall cracked the door. “Can this… wait? This is kind of a bad…”  
  
Logan looked past Kendall, at his bed, at James’ half-dead form sleeping in it.  
  
“Oh God,” he bemoaned, running a hand down his face. “Really?”  
  
Kendall grinded his teeth, grabbing Logan and pulling him into the room before his mother could overhear.  
  
“What, Logan?”  
  
“Kendall--- what is he doing here?” Logan whispered. He didn’t have to whisper, but he was. In his usual, panicky way.  
  
“At the moment… sleeping,” Kendall deadpanned. Logan punched him in the arm.  
  
“Kendall, I was talking to Carlos last night-“  
  
“You were?”  
  
Logan grimaced. “Not important. He told me that the cops were at James’ place last night. He took off, and they might be looking for him. His uncle’s in jail, Kendall. For a domestic dispute.”  
  
“A domestic—“ Kendall glanced at James and his black eye. “He’s not a good man…”  
  
“Obviously.” Logan sighed. “Kendall, what I’m worried about most of all is  _why…_ ”  
  
“You don’t think he… he knows…”  
  
“He doesn’t.”  
  
Kendall and Logan whipped around to see James flop up from the bed, the sheet curled around his hips. “He was just drunk. He doesn’t know anything about us.”  
  
“Well at… at  _this rate,_ ” Logan gestured at James, looking irritated, “Everyone is going to find out. Can you two at least try to be careful? What if it had been your mother behind that door and not me, Kendall?”  
  
He hadn’t really thought about it. He supposed he really  _wasn’t_  being careful. “I… don’t know.”  
  
“That’s right. You don’t.” Logan crossed his arms, looking like a stern parent and far beyond his years. “I… I’m sorry, Kendall, but this… this is not a good idea. I don’t know if I can support it-“  
  
“But I love him.”  
  
Logan stared. “What?”  
  
Kendall didn’t want to recant, but he definitely didn’t want to repeat either. Words like that were scary.  
  
Logan sighed. “Kendall… just… stop being stupid, okay? I know that’s hard for you sometimes.” He gave a pointed look to James. “And even harder for you.”  
  
James glared, but Kendall couldn’t stop feeling like Logan was teasing even though he trying to be serious. Logan put a hand on Kendall’s arm.  
  
“I’m just trying to look out for you. I swear.” Logan’s shoulders slumped. “I don’t… I don’t want anything to happen to you. To either of you.”  
  
“Nothing’s going to happen,” James groaned, and he turned, kicking his legs off the bed. Logan cast his eyes away when James’ naked rump was in the air as he slid on his jeans and zipped them up. “Stop worrying.”  
  
“I am a worrier. It’s what I do. And thanks for that image, James. I’m going to need to bleach my brain now.”  
  
James ruffled Logan’s hair with an eyeroll. “My ass is fantastic. Anyway, my uncle isn’t gonna do anything else to me. He just got a lucky hit in.”  
  
Kendall frowned. “You shouldn’t-“  
  
“Save it.” James rolled his eyes again and kissed Kendall gently as he passed, grabbing his t-shirt off the floor. “I can handle myself.”  
  
Kendall didn’t miss the way James bristled at the mention of his uncle. Kendall felt like he was in sync with James, like he could read his thoughts, even when his eyes were a haze of hidden emotions.  
  
“Where are you going?” Kendall asked, and just barely caught the hint of neediness in his voice.  
  
“I’ve got some things to do…” James glanced out the window with a frown. “There’s a little girl down there.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“A little girl. She’s staring up at this window. With binoculars.”  
  
“What?!” Kendall nearly jumped out of his skin.  
  
“I…” James glared. “I can’t elaborate any more than that. Take a look.”  
  
Kendall barreled over to the window and yanked it open, pushing James to the side and hanging halfway out of it. Lo and behold, Katie was down in the grass, waving.  
  
“Katie, what are you doing?”  
  
“Spying on you,” she responded with ease.  
  
“…Why?” Kendall asked.  
  
“Because someone sneaked in there last night, and I wanted to see who.”  
  
“It’s none of your business.”  
  
“Is it mom’s? I can tell mom.” She smirked. She had him.  
  
“It’s just… he’s…”  
  
“A friend,” James popped in, kicking his legs out the window and grabbing a tree branch. “I needed a place to sleep for the night.”  
  
Katie’s eyes bulged as James clambered down the tree. He sent her a dazzling smile, and Kendall was fairly sure she was doing everything she could not to melt in her shoes.  
  
“See you around.”  
  
Her mouth hung open as he sauntered off with his hands in his pockets. She turned back to Kendall with a look, then promptly ran inside.  
  
“Well. That will keep her busy for the day.”  
  
“Only the day,” Logan replied. “Kendall—“  
  
“I know alright? I’ll be careful.”  
  
Kendall looked out the window at James’ disappearing form. His jacket was still hanging on a chair.  
  
“I hope so,” Logan sighed. “But do me a favor, Kendall.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Make sure  _he’s_  careful, too.”


	12. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

Chapter Twelve

Being in love was kind of strange. Sometimes, Kendall felt like he was floating on air, above the rest of the world, with his heart fluttering in his chest and his mind distracted. But other times, he felt like James was the only thing keeping him grounded, the only thing keeping him sane. He assumed it had to do with the secret as a whole. Because, yeah, he was in love. And it made him want to tell the world how wonderful it was.

But he couldn’t.

It was a bit infuriating, really. He couldn’t explain how amazing the Garcias were because of _what_ they were. He couldn’t hold James’ hand in the hallways or even associate with him because of what _others_ would think. His mother didn’t even know who James was. It broke his heart to think that.

He had to stop himself from staring at James sometimes. After being so intimate with him, after seeing every inch of his body – it was hard not to, well, _see it_.

“What’re you looking at?” Jo asked, snapping Kendall out of his fantasies. He jolted and nearly knocked his lunch in his lap.

“N-nothing.” James was strutting out the back door of the cafeteria for a smoke.

“You don’t usually sit by yourself at lunch. Do you mind if I join you?”

“Uh… no. Sure. Go ahead. Er… have a seat.” Kendall grimaced at the amount of awkwardness in that statement.

“Thanks,” she replied, a pillar of graciousness. With a swirl of skirt and ponytail, she was sitting across from him and placing her books casually to the side. “You’ve been completely gone the past few weeks. What’s eating you?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Kendall offered a smile, used to the act he’d been playing for weeks. “How are you?”

“I’m doing well,” she said. “I’m trying to plan a protest. I was wondering if you might be interested in helping me.”

Kendall chewed his food for a moment. “Sure. What is it?”

“It’s still in preliminary stages, but…” Jo trailed off, leaning on her hand and looking at Kendall earnestly. “Okay. I have a confession to make.”

“What’s that?”

“I didn’t really come over here to ask you to help me in my protest. Don’t misunderstand; I’m thrilled that you’re willing but…” She sighed. “I was wondering if you would like to go to prom with me.”

Kendall blinked. “Aren’t the boys supposed to ask the girls?”

“Only in a misogynistic world,” Jo snapped back, a small crack in her resolve. She looked embarrassed. “Sorry. I’ve been studying women’s rights; reading pamphlets all day.”

“It’s fine. That was my fault.” Kendall cleared his throat. “Listen… Jo… My life is a little… complicated right now.” He couldn’t bring himself to tell her _no_ , not with her looking at him with so much hope. “Can we… er… raincheck?”

She gave him half a smile, but her eyes looked hurt. “Of course.”

“It’s not—that I don’t want to go with you,” Kendall babbled. “I just… er… I don’t know if I’m even _going_ to prom.”

“Kendall, you’re one of the most popular boys in school. Why wouldn’t you go to prom?”

“Well, I mean…” Kendall swallowed. “Not everyone is cool with civil rights. I could end up in trouble, you know? If people found out...” He was certain Jo finished the sentence with something about his protesting. He decided to let her.

“Don’t be so wary, Kendall. Change is a good thing!” She patted his hand from across the table and was gone in a sweep of skirt.

James was watching them from across the cafeteria, leaning against the door and chewing on a toothpick. His jaw was set, his eyes laced with confusion. Kendall didn’t know why he suddenly felt so guilty.  
 

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Kendall greeted, straddling the bench in the locker room.

“Hiding out here of all places?”

“I thought you might be mad at me.”

James shook his head. “I know your hiding spots, idiot. And your car is still in the parking lot. Why would I be mad at you?”

“Jo asked me to prom.”

“Did you say yes?”

Kendall shook his head. “No. No, I didn’t. But I didn’t say no either. I… I don’t know why I didn’t. I don’t even want to go to prom.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t go with you, stupid.”

James rolled his eyes. “You can go with me, but not _with_ me.”

“Yes, but I would much rather go _with_ you,” Kendall groaned. “Jo’s a nice girl, but-“

James grinned. “She’s a girl.”

“She’s not _you_ ,” Kendall corrected.

James flopped down across from Kendall, hooking his feet behind Kendall’s, his hands on Kendall’s thighs. “I’m not mad. You should go with her.”

“What?”

James leaned his head on Kendall’s shoulder. “It’s not like you love her. You should go. People will expect you to be there.”  
Kendall sighed. “Maybe I’m tired of being what people expect.”

James chuckled a little sadly against Kendall’s neck. “I’m tired of it too, believe me. But it’s gonna be alright.”

Kendall kissed James’ hairline. “I hope you’re right.”

James lifted up his face with a sad little smirk. “I hope I am too.”

Kendall kissed him, cupping James’ face in his hands.

He couldn’t explain it. It was hard to share a room with James without being able to touch him, to kiss him. He pulled away and nuzzled into James’ neck. Kendall supposed it was the love that allowed James to absolutely consume him when he was around.

“We could…” James murmured into Kendall’s hair. “We could run away, you know.”

“The whole damn country hates our type, James. Where on earth would we go?”

“Hey, baby, the planet’s a big place. We could go to… I don’t know. Europe. Or something.”

“We would need passports.” Kendall couldn’t believe he was even thinking James had a good plan.

“Guess we could bum around the U.S. for a while. Keep things secret until we get out.”

Kendall sighed, pulling away from James and kicking his legs over the side of the bench. “I don’t know, James.”

“Just think about it,” James started.

“When—when would we…”

“We’ll leave after prom,” James chuckled. “While everyone our age is off, necking their girls, we can take off.”

Kendall frowned. “But… what about my family?”

James’ eyes went from green to gray. “That’s right… you have a family to leave behind…”

“James, I… I love you, but… my mom, my sister…”

“We can… we can wire them money from wherever we are, Kendall. Make sure they’re taken care of. And they can visit! They wouldn’t be mad—“

“I don’t know if they would or not. I haven’t told them.”

James looked flustered, drawing a knee up to his chest and frowning. “Kendall… I don’t want to hide you away forever. I mean… I’m… I’m crazy about you. It’s so hard just getting through the day, knowing-“

“I know. Believe me. I do.” Kendall laced his fingers with James’. “Do you… do you really think we could take care of them from so far away?”

“I’d do everything I could. I know you would too.”

It was scary to say the least, thinking they could run away and take the world by storm – just two high school drop outs with all the love in the world and nothing to do with it.

“What about your music career?”

James nearly snorted. “I don’t really have much of a future in it, to be honest.”

“Don’t lie! You’re really good!”

“I know that, but…. Well, Kendall, you and I both know how this country is with people like us. It’s not going to change. And fame and fortune? Being like Elvis? People would find out. I’d rather have you instead.”

Kendall was beyond flattered, and a little flabbergasted. James had music in his veins. One of Kendall’s favorite things about James was his attachment to music - how he could catch him humming at the strangest moments; how he would play silent piano chords on his desk in class when he was daydreaming; the song lyrics scribbled on napkins when they would picnic with the Garcias.

Kendall breathed. “Are we really going to do this? Run away? From everything?”

“It’s an option,” James shrugged. “I’ll go wherever you do. I’ve got some money saved up. We can start from scratch.”

“I’ll… I’ll pack light then. We’ll leave straight from the dance.”

Kendall was certain he was out of his mind.  
 

“Are you out of your _mind?!_ ” Logan’s voice cracked under the strain of his yell. Kendall groaned. “You can’t just… you’ve only…” Logan ran his hands down his face. “Kendall, you’re just a dumb kid. You can’t just… decide you’re in love and go running away with a… _another dumb kid!_ ”

“What do you want me to _do_ , Logan? We can’t keep this hidden forever. Someone’s gonna find out. We want to get out of town before they do. “

“No. That’s not at all why, you selfish jerk,” Logan fired back. “Don’t even pretend. You want to run away so you can be kissy-faced with him 24-7. Kendall! There are more important things. Your family, your friends, your education…. What is so special about him, Kendall? I can’t figure it out. What is so damn special?!”

The hurt in Logan’s eyes was clear. He wasn’t able to hide it like James did, wasn’t able to play it off like Kendall did. He felt it, outright and strongly.

“I… I don’t know,” Kendall murmured, his heart aching. “He just… he is. I… I love him, Logan. I’m sure of it. I’ve never been surer of anything.”

“Yeah, but you’re always _so sure_. Of _everything._ Until you’re not.”

 “Don’t be stupid! People do stuff like this all the time! Kids my age join the army! I’m… I’m practically grown, here. I can make decisions--”

“Prom is _this Saturday_ , Kendall. You’re just gonna leave your entire life behind? A scholarship in football. An education.  For him? For James?”

“He’s doing it for me.”

“He doesn’t have anything to _leave!_ ” Logan teared up, letting out a frustrated huff and turning away.

“Logan… you told me to be careful. To make sure he was careful. No one knows us anywhere else. We can stay secret until we can get our passports and go somewhere we can be open about it.”

“Where— _Sweden?!_ Kendall, don’t do this. Please, _please_ don’t do this.”

“Logan…”

He sniffed, rubbing at his eyes under his glasses. “You can’t just leave your mom and your sister. You can’t just leave… _me behind_. You’re my only real friend here, Kendall. Without you, I’m alone in that school.”

“What about Camille?”

“She’s a _fantasy_ , Kendall. She would never actually want to go out with me.”

“Of course she would-“

“Just shut up, Kendall. Shut up. You’re an idiot. You’re completely stupid.”

Kendall bowed his head, fighting tears of his own. He wished he could word how he felt about James, explain why running felt like his only option, why he loved him so much. But he couldn’t. He just wanted Logan to understand.

“I don’t know why I’m yelling at you,” Logan whimpered. “I really don’t know why. Because you’re going to leave anyway. You’ve always been so stubborn…”

“If I don’t leave on my terms now, Logan, I may not get to later. You can help spread the lie that I got out of town on my own for… I don’t know, work or something. And I can come back and visit.”

“I just… there is no way I can support this, Kendall. No way. I get that you’re gay, Kendall. I accept that. But you’re young, and stupid, and… and… you don’t know what love is.”

“I know what it feels like…”

“You sound absolutely insane right now.”

“Yeah, well, the rest of the town would think that too if they knew who I was in love with…”

Logan sighed, his shoulders slumping. “I’m sorry, Kendall. You… you need to leave. I’m sorry.”

Kendall felt a tear sliding out of the corner of his eye and he wiped it away with the palm of his hand.

“I understand. But… at least… can we hang out at prom? One last time? Please?”

“Might as well,” Logan huffed. “I’m going to have to be the one to tell your mother you’re gone. I hope you know that.”

“Will you… will you take care of her?”

Logan distracted himself by staring out the window. “It’s _your_ job, you know.”

Kendall knew Logan’s language. It was a resounding _of course_ if he’d ever heard one. Kendall patted the doorframe and made his exit without saying goodbye.

He didn’t want to say goodbye. Not just yet.


	13. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

Chapter Thirteen

Naturally, Kendall was a bit on edge. The idea that in a few days, he was leaving life as he knew it behind and running into the dark with James was terrifying, but oddly exhilarating as well. Starting anew was exciting. There were people out there that he hadn’t gotten to meet – people who might support his lifestyle. And even with the likely possibility that there wasn’t, he would still have James.

James. Really, Kendall felt like he was leaving _for_ James more than leaving _with_ him. James had nothing in the little town they lived in. No family, maybe a real friend in Carlos, but all together, his life was lacking in that department. He hardly went to school, so he wasn’t making good grades, and he struggled at home. There wasn’t much that could possibly be appealing in his eyes. And if they got caught… it’d only get worse.

Well, worse was a bit of an understatement.

Still, Kendall couldn’t help but get the feeling that if he refused to go, James would leave anyway. Even though James would cry words of love at the drop of a hat, Kendall knew he was sick of hiding, sick of the entire place. He couldn’t blame James for it either. He was sick of hiding too. He wanted to believe that was why he was leaving with James, but he honestly couldn’t see himself living his life without him. Maybe he _was_ a dumb kid. But that didn’t change how he felt. His heart hadn’t led him wrong before. He decided to follow it. And James had it, so he had to follow James.

“Hi Mom,” Kendall greeted, dropping his school bag on the table.

“Hi honey,” she said cheerfully. “How did the study session go?”

Kendall straightened his jacket, carefully concealing the hickey on his neck. “Great.”

“Oh, well, a little friend is here to see you. He’s been waiting upstairs for almost a half hour.”

“Oh?” Kendall furrowed his brows. “Who is it?”

“Someone you play football with, I think. Jett, I think is what he said?”

Kendall’s stomach twisted in his gut. “Wh… did he say what he wanted?”

“No, just to talk to you.” His mom went back to washing the dishes.

Kendall went upstairs. Sure enough, he was sitting on Kendall’s bed, looking smug and dangerous.

“What are you doing here, Jett?” Kendall groaned, closing the door behind him.

“I’m here to give you a choice,” he said coolly, his composure stony, shoulders rigid.

Kendall hesitated on the spot, eying Jett, looking for a clue in his features. He saw nothing. “…A choice?”

“You,” Jett said, “Are going to tell Jo to go to prom with me instead.”

“…Why would I do that?”

“Let’s just say that you would regret it if you didn’t.”

Kendall crossed his arms. Jett was threatening him with violence, apparently. Kendall wasn’t skipping prom. He was meeting James there and they were skipping town all together. Besides, Jo couldn’t stand Jett. It wasn’t like that was news to anyone. He didn’t trust Jett around her. He liked her a bit _too much._

“Jett, if you want to bash my face in, can’t it wait until after prom photos?”

Jett’s eyes went icy. “I came here to give you the choice. You sure?”

Kendall glared Jett down. He wasn’t about to give in to Jett. Besides, he was certain that Jett wouldn’t be acting so smooth if James was around with his pocketknife. “Good luck finding a date to prom, Jett.”

Jett stood up and brushed past Kendall without changing his expression. “Just remember that I _did_ give you the choice.”

The door shut quietly behind him.

As soon as he disappeared behind the door, Kendall shuddered. He didn’t know if it was Jett’s expression, or if he was already nervous, but Jett had managed to spook him. Just a little.  
 

“You look so handsome.”

Kendall’s mom looked like she wanted to cry, but she was holding it back. It made Kendall feel guilty. His dad’s suit fit him almost perfectly. His dad was a little bit wider in the shoulders, but the blazer didn’t swallow him like he had expected it to. Kendall supposed it was because to him, his father’s shoulders would always be wider and stronger than his own.

“Mom,” Kendall started, and he felt his heart ache in his chest.

It felt like he would never ever see her again. James did promise they would come back, but life had a way of not going the way people planned, and it worried him. And with her looking at him with all the love in her heart, for a moment, he really thought he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave her behind. He loved her and Katie far too much to just disappear without any reason. He wanted to tell her.

But he couldn’t.

Because telling her what he was would lead to him telling her he was leaving, and he just didn’t have the guts to say goodbye.

He felt like a coward.

“I love you,” Kendall finally said, pulling her into his arms and squeezing her against his chest.

He remembered when her frame wasn’t smaller than his, when he had to reach up to her arms. When things were easier. Back then, he’d longed to be older and wiser, like his dad. But standing in the living room at seventeen, his mother clueless to the fact that he was about to jump into a whirlwind of life – he didn’t feel wiser.

“Well, um…” he finally pulled away from her, half-smiling, trying to keep his face from faltering. “I’ve got to go pick up my date.”

His date. Jo.

“Have fun, sweetie,” his mother said, kissing him on the cheek. His heart ached again and his jaw started to hurt from the strain.

“Goodbye, Mom.”

“Goodbye.”

Kendall glanced at Katie at the kitchen table, scribbling in a notebook. “…Goodbye, Katie. I love you.”

She gave him an odd look. “Suddenly so sentimental.”

“Just… say I love you back, Katie.”

She smiled. “I love you too, big brother. See you later.”

He wished.

He wondered how much she would grow while he was gone. As he squeezed into the driver’s seat of his car, knowing he had two suitcases safely tucked away in the trunk, he envisioned her developing into a young woman. No doubt she’d be a knockout. He wouldn’t be there to shoo the boys away. She would have to do it herself. Cause, well, frankly, Logan wasn’t much of a threat.

“Are you really doing this?”

Kendall looked up from the steering wheel to see Logan leaning on the side of the car. He cleaned up good. It was doubtful he’d even be recognized in his smart tuxedo.

Kendall breathed. “Yes.”

Logan opened the door and sat in the passenger seat. “…Best go get your date then.”  
 

Jo was really a beautiful girl. With her blonde locks curled immaculately around her face and soft yellow gown, she looked positively radiant. Especially when she smiled. Kendall wondered if James made _him_ smile like that. Then he felt guilty for leading her on.

“You look wonderful,” Kendall said, handing her a white-rose corsage.

“Thank you,” she replied, and she was practically glowing, “You too.”

The three of them took Kendall’s car to prom. Jo didn’t seem absolutely ecstatic about Logan joining them, but she didn’t say anything about it. When they arrived at the school, the sky was starting to cloud up.

“Think we can leave the roof down?” Kendall asked.

Logan peered at the clouds. “Yeah, I don’t think that storm will hit for a few hours.”

Kendall glanced at Logan. “If my seats get ruined, I’m blaming you.”

Kendall and Jo walked into prom arm-in-arm. Logan lagged behind, mumbling something about how it was unfair that Kendall had a date and he didn’t. Kendall immediately saw James across the dance floor, leaning over a table, conversing with Camille, who was quite obviously his date. Kendall managed to not shake his head. Both ladies would be stood up by the end of the night. He hoped that Logan could at least fly in and win Camille over.

He found it strange, how not-jealous he was that James and Camille would dance or whisper or laugh throughout the night. He figured it was because he knew it was fake. All of it. Their little act was about to come to an end. No longer would his schoolmates be watching the James and Kendall show. They wouldn’t be watching or even _seeing_ them at all.

His stomach still clenched at the thought.

An hour passed. He danced with Jo and carried on with friends like it was no big deal. But he still felt like he was going to puke.

Soon enough, it got the best of him and he had to excuse himself.

“Are you okay?” James asked.

“Yeah, I’m great. Just losing my stomach contents. I’m peachy,” Kendall moaned from the bathroom stall. He touched under his nose. “And bleeding too. God damn it.”

James made a frustrated noise. He heard the rustle of him grabbing paper towels, and then he was pulling open the stall.

“Here,” he said gently, kneeling and dabbing at the blood. “You want me to get you some ginger ale?”

“No, it’s fine,” Kendall sighed. He leaned against James’ chest, and God, it was perfectly comfortable. He could almost sleep right there on the bathroom floor.

“Is it?” James’ voice was small, like a scolded child’s.

Kendall looked up at James, frowning.

“Kendall, if you don’t want to do this…”

“I do. I want to. I want to be with you. I…”

“Are you sure?”

“Cross my heart, hope to die,” Kendall replied. “I’m… I’m terrified. But I love you. I’d be more afraid to live without you.”

He cleaned up, feeling a little more confident now that he had put it into words.

“I know what you mean,” James said.

“I tell you though…” Kendall looked in the mirror, preening a bit to make sure he didn’t look like he’d just been sick, “There are a lot of things about this town that I’ll miss.”

James’ face fell a little in the mirror. “This town is really going to miss you.”

The bathroom door opened. Logan nearly toppled from the other side, his face white as a ghost.

Kendall turned. “Logan?”

“You two… might want to see this…”

Jett was on the microphone on the stage. “Good evening, my fellow students. I hate to disrupt your dance, but I have some news that I feel I should share.”

Jett had given Kendall a choice.

A choice.

“Oh God…” Kendall whispered.

“You see, there are two students here that are living a _lie,_ everyone. And I think you all deserve to know the truth. Ozzy!”

Out came a big lug of a boy, a fellow football player, dragging a slide projector with him. Jett yanked down the screen.

“Turn it on,” Jett commanded.

And then, there it was. Right in the middle of the screen in black and white. Kendall and James. Kissing.

The blood ran out of Kendall’s face.

“These two, as you can see, are very, very sick.”

James grabbed Kendall by the wrist, and he was murmuring something, but Kendall couldn’t hear over the roar in his ears.

“You see, the greaseball threatened me a while back.” Jett smirked. “But my father always told me to use my brain to fight, not my brawn. So I hired a private investigator. But I had no idea that _this_ is what I would discover.”

The slides changed. Kendall and James were holding hands and smiling. Kendall remembered that day. They had been watching the little Garcias play. He hadn’t seen anyone around. He hadn’t even noticed they were being photographed.

“I couldn’t believe that someone as admirable as _Kendall Knight_ could possibly be engaged with something so awful, so _un-American_.” Jett’s voice was full of condescension. “So, not only did I make these slides—“ The slides changed again, and Kendall could see his head thrown back in ecstasy, pressed against the seat of his car. James’ hand on his chest was the only visible part of his boyfriend. “I also made sure to mail photo copies to every adult in town. It cost a pretty penny, but I’m only doing this out of the best interest for my fellow classmates. I would certainly not want them associating with someone so… _crazy_.”

All the eyes in the room were on Kendall. He felt them burning him with their stares. Burning him to hell.

“Kendall, Kendall,” James was practically screaming, and only then did Kendall realize the place had gone chaotic. Plates were clinking, people were yelling, and everyone was getting _closer, closer_. “Kendall, we gotta go! We gotta go!”

James was dragging him through the crowd, and he could feel himself bruising under quick hits of his classmates.

“Don’t let them get away!”

“Stop them!”

“They’ll try to spread it!”

Spread it. Like a disease. Kendall and James were _diseased._

They stumbled into the parking lot, eyes wild and frightened.

“NO!” Kendall screamed.

His car had been set ablaze. Two older men looked up from their gas cans and lighters.

“That’s them! The faggots!” The word cut Kendall to the core. He visibly winced.

“James—“

“RUN!”

They did. They ran across the football field and into the trees.

But there was no hiding. Everyone knew.

Jett had given him a _choice._


	14. So Here I Go Breaking All the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU. It's the year 1958. Football star, Kendall, receives a gorgeous new car, which catches the attention of a greaser, James Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thanks to [](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://garnetice.livejournal.com/)**garnetice** for beta-ing.

Chapter Fourteen

The trees were speeding by Kendall so fast that he could hardly see them. He felt them, though. In sharp, quick slices of his face and neck, limbs batted at his skin and ripped at his clothes and drew blood. Rain was pelting them, dropping out of the sky in a sudden wave and soaking them through. James wouldn’t relinquish Kendall’s wrist, dragging him further and further into the brush. Kendall lost one of his dress shoes somewhere in the mud. But his mind was racing faster than his feet could carry him.

“J-James,” Kendall choked out, feeling strangled. “How… How could this happen?”

James stumbled and both of them went plummeting into the ground in a splash of mud and fallen leaves.

“I… I don’t know,” James replied, and it sounded like a cry, drowned out by thunder booming across the sky. He actually jumped like a skittish animal. “I don’t know.”

They gathered their footing and kept running, but Kendall had no idea where. He was disoriented. Every tree looked and felt the same, and with the sheer curtain of rain breaking through the gaps in the trees, every sound Kendall heard could have been a footfall of a pursuer.  
They were being _pursued_. God, it was a scary thought. Kendall nearly collided with James again, his foot scraping over a stick and tearing open. He yelped, hopping for a few steps before forcing himself to put his foot down. The pain numbed away with the adrenaline.

“We—we gotta…” James was wheezing. Too many cigarettes and a less active lifestyle had him at a disadvantage to Kendall. “We gotta find a—a place… to get our heads…”

“Carlos,” Kendall coughed. “Carlos.”

His side was hurting, a sharp pulsing ache reminding him how hard he had pushed his body. He had no idea how long they had been running, but it felt like days. His head was spinning from the adrenaline and the exercise and the fact that they’d been caught red-handed.

“Do you… do you think they’re still following us?” Kendall breathed.

“No. No. Not right now.” James’ voice was laced with misery. It wasn’t like they would just give up. He was certain they were waiting from them to pop up somewhere, ready to strike as soon as the… _faggots_ were seen.

Kendall felt sick, just thinking of the word.

James _was_ sick, his body exhausted from the run. He clung to a tree, lurching his stomach contents all over the ground. His hair flopped in his face, rivulets of rain water sliding down his face and mixing with sweat and blood. He swiped it out of the way with a look of disgust.

“I hate this.”

Kendall reached out, brushing his fingers against James’. James responded by lacing his fingers with Kendall’s, turning to look at him. His face looked like it had aged years, and his eyes were lost, almost like a child’s. The contrast was stark and disturbing.

Then he started to cry.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Kendall pulled James into his arms. “Stop. Stop.”

“It was me. I did it…. I kissed you.”

“No,” Kendall whispered into his cheekbone. “No, stop. I love you. Stop.” He sighed. “We can’t do this, James. We have to get out of the rain.”

But where would they go? The town had turned its back on them. It was them against the world.

They stood there for a long time. Kendall was paralyzed, glued to his spot with the realization that they really didn’t have anywhere to go. Sure, they could wait it out at Carlos’ for a few days, but they would be found. They couldn’t run forever. Their actions were going to catch up to them. They had really been caught.  
 

Carlos’ home was aglow in the street, the only one still alive among the row of decrepit buildings. Kendall checked his watch. It was close to midnight – not that he was certain his watch was even still working. Out front sat a powder blue Packard, too pristine to belong in the neighborhood and frighteningly out of place.

“Whose is that?”

James was already booking it across the street, his shoulders hunched in the cold. Kendall was surprised James could even still feel cold. Kendall’s extremities had gone numb what felt like hours ago.

“James?”

Kendall followed after him. Before James even lifted his hand to knock, the door was ripped open and they were being dragged inside to a swell of voices talking at too high a volume and too fast a speed (and he was fairly sure some was in Spanish). Kendall blinked, dizzy at the sudden wave of human interaction, the heat seeping into him and reminding him that he was cold.

“Kendall. _Kendall._ Take this off. You’re shivering.”

Kendall wavered a little on his spot. “Wh-what? Logan? How did you—“

“So this is where you two have been sneaking off to. Should’ve known,” Camille said. James enveloped her with his arms and buried his face in her hair. She cooed, looking sympathetic. “Oh, baby…”

“I should be mad at you, you know,” Jo said from the doorway of the kitchen. “I feel like I’m the only one who was left out of this little party.”  
Kendall was struck dumb at her appearance. His shirt was rucked over his head and tossed into a sopping pile next to his ripped blazer.

“Logan—“

“Shut up. God, you’re lucky you’re not dead. You can get hypothermia in the rain too, you know. Not just snow.”

Carlos mother was suddenly behind him, wrapping Kendall in a warm blanket. It soothed his aching skin, and he breathed for what felt like the first time.

“You’ve been missing for hours. Your mom threw a fit when everything got back to her,” Logan said. “Pants, please.” He quickly yanked Kendall’s slacks down and they joined the pile as well. Kendall’s knees were knocking together, but he still blushed. He didn’t like being embarrassed. Then again, the two young ladies in the room had seen photos of him in his most private moments, so he figured it was a little late to be worried about what they thought. “Here.”

Before Kendall knew it, he was dressed in warm clothes and being ushered up the stairs and onto an unmade bed. He couldn’t process it. Too much had happened. His body wanted to completely shut down.

“We’ve got to figure out a way to hide you two. The cops are searching for you, and they’ll check here. It’s inevitable.”

James flopped down next to Kendall in his own set of dry jeans and t-shirt. “Thanks for that, genius. But if you didn’t notice, we’ve been running from ‘em all night.”

“Don’t get snippy with me,” Logan scolded. “I’m trying to help. You’re almost lucky this town’s gone insane. We snuck out relatively unnoticed.”

“Wh—why…” Kendall couldn’t find words, and really didn’t want to. His throat was scratchy and his eyes were frighteningly heavy now that he was warm and comfortable.

“ _I_ demanded an explanation,” Jo said. “And then we went searching for you. The town is basically in mob rules. Jett really did a number on your reputation.”

Kendall fought the urge to snort. “No, really?” It came out scathing. He couldn’t help it. He was so tired.

James patted Kendall’s hand. Kendall rubbed at his eyes.

“I never even saw the damn photographer. I don’t even know how he got us…” James sighed.

It didn’t matter. It really didn’t. Kendall was too tired to care. And his foot started reminding him that it was hurting.

“We can’t stay here,” James said after a long time. Camille and Jo and Logan watched like the worried audience they were. “They’re looking for us.”

“…Is she… mad?” Kendall asked slowly.

James looked at Kendall with a grimace.

“Your mom… is scared, Kendall. She’s not mad. She loves you.”

Kendall didn’t know if Logan was lying or not. He decided not to push it. “Okay… we… we need a plan.” His head felt too heavy to lift completely. “Where’s Carlos?”

“Watching the door downstairs,” Logan replied quickly, and tacked on the very end, “Kendall, Carlos and I were talking—“

“What, Logan?”

“We’re going with you.”

Kendall balked. “What? No, Logan. No. You have a life here.”

“We already made our decision, Kendall. You’re not turning me away. You two are going to need all the help you can get, especially getting out here. I… I refuse, Kendall. I refuse to be left behind.”

“Sometimes you have to be,” James muttered, looking miserable. “Sometimes circumstance can kick your refusal’s ass.”

He yanked a cigarette out of his jacket and tried to light it, but his matches were too wet. “Sometimes… people…” He struck the match again. Nothing. “Sometimes people… have to abandon you…” He tried again. “Sometimes, people… _GOD DAMN IT!_ ” He threw the bundle in his hand across the room. James buried his face in his hands. “God damn it…”

Kendall put an arm around him. “We’ll get through this.”

Kendall wasn’t sure.

“OH! Um, there’s no white cats here ‘cept the fat cats on my doormat,” Carlos spoke just a bit too loudly, putting on his best beatnik rhymes. Kendall’s head shot up.

“No…”

“You must’ve been followed,” Camille started.

“Yeah, what the hell else is new?” James snapped clambering across the bed and pushing open the window. “Come on, babe. The fire escape. Let’s go.”

Kendall headed for the window. Logan grasped at his shirt. “Kendall, Kendall, wait.”

“Logan, don’t—“

“Please, Kendall. I’m… I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. I want to be there. I don’t—“ Logan’s eyes welled with tears and he blinked them away. “Kendall…”

Kendall looked at James. “We won’t make it far on foot. I can hardly walk on mine as is…”

“Take my car!” Camille yelped, pulling her keys out of her bag.

“W-what?” James stammered.

“Just take it and go!” She looked at Logan. “Oh, and um… you’re really brave.”

She kissed him hard on the mouth, pulling him flush against her bosom. Logan turned about six shades of red before she pulled away.

“Th-th-thanks…” Logan stuttered, adjusting his glasses and wiping the lipstick from his face.

Kendall looked at Jo. “Jo… I’m… sorry.”

“Kendall, don’t ever apologize for being what you are.”

Carlos’ scream was heard throughout the house. James pulled Kendall out the window and down the escape, Logan stumbling right behind.

Carlos was stumbling out to Camille’s blue Packard when Kendall and James rounded the corner.

“He’s hurt,” Logan said immediately, watching Carlos flop over the hood, gripping his head. “Carlos, what happened?”

“Pistol whipped me,” Carlos groaned, flopping into the back seat. Logan followed.

“Let me look at that.”

James was already white-knuckled at the steering wheel. “We gotta go. NOW.”

The moment the doors were closed, James slammed his foot on the gas and they took off. Kendall could see the two officers stumbling out of the house after them in the rearview mirror.

“Go go go GO!” Kendall yelled, adrenaline rushing again.

“Carlos is bleeding, guys,” Logan said from the back seat.

James’ jaw was set, and his eyes were on fire as they screamed down the road, the wheels sliding over the slick pavement. Kendall could hear the sirens behind him; see the commotion already getting ready to take place.

“We’re not gonna get out of here…” James whispered. “We’re not gonna get out, Kendall.”

“Just drive, James. Drive.”

He knew they were close. Close to the edge of town. If they could just get out of town…

Kendall didn’t even see the car pull out in front of them until they collided. The car fishtailed and they went spinning into a tree. Kendall squeezed his eyes shut as the windshield shattered. Logan and Carlos were screaming. He blacked out.

Kendall took a breath.

“Get out!”

He looked up. Jett’s chiseled face was alight in the flood of his own damaged car. He looked demonic, his eyes dark, his teeth pointed. He grabbed Kendall by the collar of his shirt and yanked him from the vehicle.

“J-Jett, don’t do this,” Kendall said.

“Shut up, you sick freak,” Jett hissed, punching Kendall hard in the jaw. Kendall stumbled back against the vehicle, his head still spinning from the crash. “I can’t believe you… you… you were in the locker room with us! You probably couldn’t keep y our eyes off of me.”

Kendall sneered, wiping blood from his lip. “My eyes were never on you, Jett. Even if you wanted them to be.”

Jett shouted in a rage and began pummeling Kendall. Kendall held his hands up in defense, trying to bow out of his blows and trying to deliver a few of his own. But his limbs felt like jelly, exhausted. Jett kept hitting him, bruising him, beating him black and blue. He punctuated each blow with words that stung. _Faggot. Sick freak. Queer. Homo._  Blood poured from Kendall’s cracked nose and busted lip. Welts from Jett’s class ring left impressions on his cheekbone.

“Stop,” Kendall begged. “Stop!”

Then Jett wailed and was no longer hitting Kendall. Kendall raised his head to see James, his hand gripping Jett by the hair and yanking him back. He gleamed in the glow of the street lights, a fresh line of blood sliding down the side of his face from up in his hairline, his eyes fiery.

He pressed the gun tightly against Jett’s temple.

“Give me one reason…” James whispered.

“James! No! Stop!” Carlos cried out, stumbling out of the vehicle, his eyes wild and terrified.

Kendall couldn’t move. He stared at James, the gun in his hand, the fierce, murderous look on his face…

“You…” James screamed, his voice cracking. “YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!”

Thunder boomed across the sky, punctuating his sentence menacingly.

The sirens filled the air. It wouldn’t be long…

“James…” Kendall said, and his voice felt very far away. “James, let him go. James, let’s go.”

James balked at Kendall, wounded. “It was _him_ , Kendall. He _did this._ ”

He did. Frankly, to Kendall, Jett deserved a barrage of bullets. But not from James. James wasn’t a killer.

“He’s not worth it, James.” Kendall held out his hand. “Come on, baby. Let’s go…”

James pushed Jett aside, looking disgusted with himself. He wasn’t sure if James was more upset that he didn’t shoot Jett or at the fact that he’d tried.

 “Let’s go, James. Let’s go.” Kendall’s voice shook in his throat as the sirens descended the hill, police officers jumping out of their cars and shouting orders.

They were gathering a crowd, scared, puzzled faces staring, staring, staring. And judging. Kendall couldn’t believe it. Jett had just been beating him senseless and still looked like the hero.

“Look at you. A nerd, a fag, and a Mexican? What the hell happened to you, Kendall? You were _somebody._ ”

Somebody. Kendall frowned hard at Jett. “They are all people, Jett.”

“Pfff, whatever you say.” He pointed sharply at Carlos. “ _That_ scum can go back where he came from.” Then he looked James and Kendall up and down. “And God will take care of _you two._ ”

James’ jaw tightened and he looked like he was going to attack Jett again. But he didn’t. He turned to him in the rain and shook his head.

“I feel sorry for you, Stetson…. You’re so afraid of what people think…. You’re _nothing_ , Jett.”

“Come on,” Kendall said, leaning against the car, his head aching. “James, let’s go. Let’s go.”

James sniffed. “Kendall… I… I don’t want to run anymore. I’m tired…”

Kendall’s ears popped. Someone screamed.

“James?”

James faltered in his step, his eyes suddenly wide and white, clutching at his chest.

Behind him, police officers stood, guns pointed.

James whimpered a little, falling to his knees, never taking his eyes off Kendall.

Kendall saw the blood on James’ shirt, on his hands, on the ground. Another pop. James let out a strangled sound, flopping to the ground in a heap.

Jett backed away quickly, his face ghostly white. James wasn’t going to hurt Jett. He was going to leave Jett alone. He wasn’t going to hurt him. He really wasn’t going to…

“Kendall, Kendall!” Logan was shouting in his ear, and his small hands were on Kendall, holding him back.

It was only then that Kendall realized he was screaming, thrashing against his friend like his body didn’t belong to him. And then he was toppling forward into the pavement, sobbing and crawling to his lover.

It couldn’t be happening. They were supposed to get away. They had planned everything. They had been _careful._

“James… James!” Kendall cried, pulling the body into his arms.

James’ body was trembling, and he was looking at Kendall with terror in his eyes. He let out a shuddery breath, reaching up to brush the tears from Kendall’s cheek, smearing blood there. He squeezed his eyes shut at the action, more tears sliding over James’ callused thumb.

“James… James… no….” Kendall whispered. He felt like his chest was going to collapse.

He tried to speak. A few stuttered syllables… “K---K… Lo..”

The light drifted from his eyes. His hand fell from Kendall’s face.

He was supposed to be famous. He was supposed to be free and happy. They were supposed to be together.

Kendall clutched James to his chest. “No… NO!” He wailed, choking on tears.

They were so close. They were so close to getting out of the godforsaken town. To being together…. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. He didn’t feel like _James_ in his arms anymore, the warm body that had rocked inside Kendall and cried out to God, almost as if to save him… save him from who he loved. What he loved.

Kendall looked up at the crying sky with disdain.

“Why…” He whimpered. Then, he bellowed, “WHY?!”

“Kendall, you have to let him go,” Logan was shouting at him. Kendall knew that Logan’s argument was futile. He had fought too hard for James to let him go. He couldn’t.

“VETE AL INFERNO! Mi amigo… mi amigo…” Carlos was howling at all of them. “He was better than _all of you!_ ” He wept openly as he screamed.

“Get out of here!” People were shrieking. “Shut up, Wetback!” Kendall didn’t understand how they couldn’t hear themselves; the hate in their words, the poison that spewed from their lips and from their eyes. How could he and James be in the wrong? How could James be the one that had to be--

“VETE AL INFERNO!” Carlos’ voice lost strength. “Vete al inferno…” He sobbed, his chest heaving. “He was just a kid. He was just a damn kid…”

Kendall was rocking James’ body against him, almost trying to convince himself that James was just asleep. He didn’t want to look at him. He didn’t want to admit to himself that James’ body was growing cold in his arms. Cold…

He looked at the people staring, their hate-filled eyes on him, smirking like it was a _good thing_ that a person he loved so… so much… was dead. All of them. They were solid stone, cold and uncaring. The police still had their guns drawn on him. He was crazy. He was sick.

“Kendall… we have to _go. KENDALL,_ ” Logan was saying, and he was tugging at Kendall’s arm. “Kendall, he’s gone. We have to go.”

He loved James. He had been told all his life that love was a good thing. He didn’t know that it had to fit in tiny little boxes that other people approved of. He didn’t think that loving someone with all his heart was crazy, even if it was another man. He didn’t think that James deserved to die for believing the same thing. All they had done was loved more strongly than any of the bastards that scowled at them.

He did know that he refused to leave James. Everyone else had. Kendall sure as hell wasn’t going to. Besides, there was no escape.

“Go where, Logan?” Kendall asked, and he was amazed at how calm his voice came.

“We have to get out of here. Kendall, they’re going to take you to the crazy house.”

“There’s no way out of here, Logan.” Kendall looked down at the gun in James’ hand. It was the gun that James had taken away from Carlos. So everyone would be _safe._

“Kendall, don’t let them take you there. Please…” Logan cried, and his voice was raw with tears.

Kendall pulled the pistol out of James’ hand. “I won’t.”

He wouldn’t give them the pleasure of carting him off to the crazy house. He wouldn’t let them enjoy telling him that loving James was just some sort of… dysfunction. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t.

He pushed it into his temple.

“Kendall, NO!”

He pulled the trigger.


End file.
